Mother's Day and the return of the gold thread

Flowers that Josh sent me for Mother's Day

"Although children leave us, we are always mothers"

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I woke up around 6:30 am and the first thing I did was check my Facebook page to see...what?  I don't know what I expected to see but the fact that I did not see a post from Alysia hurt like hell.  I checked my phone for texts...to see what? I don't know but I sure didn't get a text from Alysia for mother's day.  No phone calls...nothing. I cried. I cried some more and I cried all day off and on. The day before Katie and I had gone to Alysia's grave and laid flowers that my mother had sent me for Mother's day.  I wanted to put them on her grave as it was from one generation of mother to the next to the end of the line in the form of my daughter's grave. Motherhood ended with me on our side of the family.

When I checked Facebook throughout the day yesterday I saw many posts about how great of a mother's day everyone was having and I became more and more sad.  I realize that people should enjoy their day with their children but those posts were like stabs in the heart. I felt forgotten and I thought of Katie's friend in Ontario who just recently lost his mom and how he was on the other end of that huge void. I pictured him sitting there looking at the posts on facebook and wondering if he felt as sad and bitter as me.

 I didn't think I would react as emotionally as I did to Mother's day considering when Alysia was young she would wish me a Happy Mother's Day and would apologize because she didn't buy me a gift. I would reply "it's ok, it's just another day created by Hallmark and it's enough for you to just wish me a Happy Mother's Day." Now that she's gone, it's not just a Hallmark- made occasion for me, it's the day I should have heard from just one person and I didn't. The day that confirms my identity as a mother still and I got very few acknowledgements of that. At one point yesterday, I had a proud mother moment when I thought about the fact that I was a mother to an angel now. An angel!  wow, that is pretty amazing.  That was short lived though and the void of her absence took over me.

Throughout the day yesterday in my sadness I would look at the flowers Josh sent me and a surge of love came over me for him, it made my day a little bit better.  The card on my mother's flowers, quoted above, began to melt away a cold spot in my heart. Yet my heart ached so much yesterday.  This morning I woke up crying again.  I wasn't able to go to work.  I felt so alone and I sat in bed after Katie left for work and cried so hard. Suddenly the journal I write in to Alysia fell over on the bedside table and I picked it up and began to write in it.  I have 1 1/2 pages left in it after what I wrote today.  I don't know if I should continue writing after I'm done this one or what will that last page and a half contain?  How will I end it?  If I do get another journal I feel like it has to be similar to the one I've been writing in.  It came from the cathedral in Washington, a very special place in my heart.  I found it odd that the journal fell over and snapped me out of my crying.  For a a few minutes I read the entries in my journal. A journal entry  that was a week or so after Alysia's funeral, I wrote "I am glad I was able to cry because I am afraid that after crying so much I would have no more tears to shed".  It's almost 10 months later and let me say that there has been no shortage of tears.

I decided to write a blog post today while I was off work so that I could get it all out. I set up my laptop on the kitchen table in front of Josh's flowers and out of the corner of my eye I caught a sparkling light in his flowers.  I take a closer look and saw a bit of gold on a flower bud. So I got up and took a real close look and lo and behold there is a very fine thread of gold filament thread that is laying amongst the foliage of his flowers!  I took a picture of it and I apologize for my crappy Iphone 3G camera (the original Iphone) but here it is.

It's blurry but you can see the gold filament thread running randomly through the flowers.

I knew, it was Alysia's way to say Happy Mother's Day through Josh's flowers and now they brighten my day even more. To get an understanding of the significance of the gold thread see my post http://sheisfreerthanabird.blogspot.ca/2012/03/golden-thread-and-power-of-creativity.html

Yesterday I couldn't do this because I was too hurt, but today I'd like to wish every mother out there a Happy Belated Mother's Day because you deserve the recognition.  I would like to wish those who aren't mothers to people, but to furry creatures, a Happy Mother to a furry creature Day too.  I would like to wish those of us who lost a child a Happy Mother to an Angel Day and finally to those children who lost a mother I'd like to wish them a Happy Angel Mother Day.

xo

Trish

No apologies from this blogger.

Accept everything about yourself - I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end - no apologies, no regrets.
Henry A. Kissinger

A wonderful quote but very hard to live by. 

I was told today, not asked, to stop writing in my public blog, as if I was a 12 year old child to be scolded. First of all I will not apologize for my blog.  What I have written have been the truth from my perspective.  I have been very careful as to how I word things and could have been much more brutally honest but I saw no point in it.  I opened myself up and exposed my feelings and my doubts and my flaws for all to see.  I did this for two reasons, one for my own personal healing and two to help others who maybe experiencing grieving due to a loss of a child or close loved one.  Although I have had this one command, I have had many private messages from my friends saying how my blog is helping them in their own grieving, or their own spiritual growth, or in understanding my grieving.  I have had emails from Alysia's friends thanking me for passing on the message about anxiety and drinking and so on. I have had emails from Alysia's friends reassuring me that Alysia loved me and was proud of me and happy about my current relationship.

I admit that this blog is fizzling but my intention is to keep it up for the first year of grieving so that people can know grieving lasts a long time and there are many stages.  There is progress and there are set backs.  The first year is a year of first everything without the person you lost.  Next month is my birthday, it will be my first birthday without Alysia.  How will that affect me? I never know until around that time. I may be doing ok now but in three weeks who knows? Just know that prior to last week, I was in a really dark place emotionally.  I did not write about it because it has already been said. To those who are reading this because they too have lost someone, know that even 7 months later it is normal to have set backs in your grieving.  Set back is not a good term but that is how it feels at the time. In reality though it is not a set back, it is another stage of grief that has to play itself out.

It is for those people that I write this blog.  It is for nights like tonight when I've been unable to sleep due to my grief. This blog is an outlet for my feelings. I will write in the middle of the night and then be able to sleep afterward.  People don't have to read it if they don't want to.  That's perfectly ok. Almost 1100 hits later from all over the world, I'm thinking this isn't just for me though and that is just a bonus to me.

In my next blog entry I will write about the power of creativity in the process of healing.

Good night everyone xo

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

From the time Alysia was born to about the second year I worked in retail, I always prayed for a white Christmas.  Before retail had ruined me for Christmas, I wanted so badly the quintessential Norman Rockwell Christmas.  I wanted the scene to be like Thomas Kinkade's Christmas paintings with snow covered trees, skaters on a pond, warm glowing light streaming from the windows of a cottage in the middle of a quaint town setting.  For weeks I would obsessively check the weather network to see what the forecast was going to be for the week of Christmas.  I would get so mad if it was rain or fog and would get excited if I saw snowflakes.  I recall maybe 2 or 3 Christmases with snow in the past 20 years.  Maybe there were more while I worked in retail but by that point I hated Christmas so much I probably didn't notice.

The few weeks leading up to Christmas this year were horrible.  The anticipation of spending Christmas without Alysia caused me so much sadness, plus there was so much other drama, on top of the grieving process, it was so hard to cope.  I cried often at home, broke down at work a few times and had panic attacks in stores when trying to shop for Christmas.

One day I was at Superstore on Tuesday (student discount day) trying to get supplies for baking.  It was crowded with students and regular shoppers, the baking supplies were wiped out, and Christmas music was blaring.  I was feeling tears building up behind my eyes and that sensation started a panic attack and anger, so I left without most of what I needed and hopped on my bike to go home.  I was so angry and sad I didn't care if I got hit by a car on my bike.  I rode past three "sketchy" looking young men on Brunswick street and thought to myself I didn't care if one of them would jump me and kill me.  I just didn't care.  I wanted Christmas and the drama and the grieving to disappear.  As I rode past these guys, the middle one lifted an arm in my direction and...waved and said "Merry Christmas!" to me.  I said "to you too!" and I laughed at myself and I was angry and I was sad all at the same time.

I assumed these guys were bad and maybe they were any other time but this guy meant his Christmas greeting.  It wasn't sarcastic, it was genuine. The other two guys looked at him confused then looked at me with indifference.  It seemed out of character for him, if the other two guys body language told me right.  I laughed at myself for being so bitter, I laughed at God for pointing out how bitter I was.  I wondered if God touched this guy's heart to do this. I said to God "OK OK I got it." I walked in the door of the apartment and cried on Katie's shoulder for over an hour.

Christmas eve Katie, my mother and I went to Alysia's gravesite to put a wreath for her. It was freezing up there and we were standing in snow so I felt rushed to leave.  I felt horrible that I couldn't truly connect with my grief of Alysia not being with us for Christmas because I was constantly pulled in directions that weren't going towards her. Family drama and the general busy-ness of Christmas kept me away from her.

Christmas day we opened our gifts and then I started to get Christmas dinner ready...again no time for grieving, things needed to get done.  During Christmas dinner I sat  at one point while strained conversation was going on around me and looked out the window onto Brunswick St.  The curtains to our huge windows were open and I wondered when the poor people of the neighborhood walked by, would they feel sad and angry because they weren't sitting around a table of good food and family like what it looked like we were doing in our place.  From the outside, our little gathering would seem so "Norman Rockwell" like.  The Victorian windows, the beautiful tree with the pretty lights would look so "Thomas Kinkade" like.  They wouldn't know about us having lost our daughter-granddaughter, they wouldn't know about the drama. It goes to show how outer appearances are deceiving.

I then thought how I hadn't had time to really feel the absence of my daughter, my beautiful Alysia.  I started to get sad while gazing out the window and then I saw snow flakes coming down so gently, so beautifully.  I felt I was being embraced by Alysia, by God.  I felt like Alysia was giving me a gift of snow I wanted so badly for years upon years. For 5 seconds I was with Alysia and God in a complete state of peace and joy and then I was pulled back to the dinner table.

Today I wrote Alysia a nice long letter in my journal.  I was finally able to connect with her for longer than 5 seconds at a time.  Oddly enough I didn't find myself crying but found myself wishing her a beautiful day and found myself feeling strength and determination to get through the New Year. Things are changing around me and in me. I am a different person now. I have my bitter moments but I refuse to be a bitter character in general. In order to do this I need to weed out some of the negative influences in my life, this is my new year resolution. 

It is sad that Alysia's facebook only has 2 Christmas greetings, one from me and one from Katie.  I know people have been busy.  I've been busy.  It's sad though that this happens. Her dad is not on facebook anymore and Josh was away so I know they couldn't post on her wall. Part of my New Year's resolution to weed out negative things is to not do a Christmas like this next year.  Next year I will be going away, either to Ontario with Katie if we can afford it or just going away somewhere quiet...just Katie and I and Alysia's spirit.

A New Normal: A term I resented for a while

I have written a blog post this past week that hasn't made it yet to the blog.  It sits in my draft half written too hard to continue with.  Too hard to put up but I know it will go up eventually. I felt like I couldn't move forward with the blog because of that one 1/2 written post haunting me in my drafts.

On my day off today, it is raining and I felt the need to write about what I am feeling. It is the 12 week mark since Alysia passed away. I flipped through my journal and I saw these couple of sentences written 4 days after her funeral "Me again. I feel as though I am being stretched in ways that no human heart can endure. I hate this term "New Normal" that everyone is using...."

During the funeral week, Tom sr had us all over for supper.  There was Tomi, Josh, me, Katie, my mother and Tom Sr. and I looked around and thought to myself what a family of misfits...there was Tomi my ex, talking with my same sex partner Katie, there was my very French outspoken mother from Washington talking to Tom sr the shy very maritime-like ex-father in law.  Not long ago I was in that same yard with Tomi, Alysia, Carol and Tom sr.  living the "normal" life of a heterosexual married woman.  It is funny how what appears on the outside to be "normal" may not always be the case.

Just to get this out of the way because I know many wonder but my marriage to Tomi did not end because I am a "lesbian" as many would easily assume.  I don't identify as lesbian.  All I know is that Tomi and I decided to split up in December 2009 and he moved out in March 2010.  In December 2009 I began talking to Katie online strictly as friends...as we talked more and more over the next couple of months I found myself falling in love with her soul.  I never thought I would fall for a woman but there was something about Katie that pushed aside her gender and my heart fell for her.  There was no stopping it, it was meant to be.  I suppose the term I most identify with is "pansexual" where it is not the gender I see but the person's soul.  If Katie's soul would have been in a man's body, I would have fallen in love regardless. However at the same time I don't think Katie's soul could have been in a man's body, it just wouldn't fit.  So no, I wasn't a lesbian in denial in a 20 year marriage that would have made my marriage a lie.  My marriage and my family, was my identity.  I was a married woman with a beautiful daughter.

...now my family gatherings consist of my ex-father-in -law who recently lost his wife and who accepts me and Katie.  I love Tom sr. very much and I was afraid to lose him when I told him about Katie and I.  There is Tomi my ex who was a very important part of my life for over 20 years who I still care for very much, here is my partner Katie who I love like crazy trying to fit into this family of ex's, there is Josh who just recently came into our little family but quickly became a part of it and there is my mother who has had so many struggles and who was also trying to wrap her head around this new family dynamic.

Almost 3 months later I still feel in between the old normal and the new normal.  My whole identity was stripped from me in the past two years.  I am no longer a hetero married woman with a daughter working as an Assistant manager at a retail store.  I am now a grieving mother, which at times makes me think that I am no longer a mother, in a same sex relationship working as a library technician in a university library.  How could one person's life be completely turned upside down yet still completely encompass parts of the old life in such a painful way.


The death of Alysia is forcing me to embrace a new normal that is very emotionally painful, very mind bending, very physically exhausting. At times I just want to run away, it takes far too much effort to make this all work.  Not just for me but for all others involved...every one of us has to wrap their heads around this new normal. A new normal of ex's, same sex partners, death, aging, financial strains and intense loss.  But I know that I, for one, also see moments in these family gatherings of love, hope, support, laughter, a deep understanding, an invisible connection.  At one of these gatherings at Tom sr's house I walked out of the bathroom and saw Carol sitting in her rocking chair.  It startled me at first but then I knew she approved of these new gatherings.  Not only did Carol approve but that invisible connection in my mind took the form of the love from Carol and Alysia viewing these gatherings from where ever they were. For Carol and Alysia, I would do whatever it takes to make the new normal work.

This was taken just shortly after the funeral. Alysia's grave next to her nanny's.