One final post, our tribute and my dream

When I began this blog, I felt that I would write about my first year and then end it.  I wasn't sure a month or so ago if I was ready to end this blog but I do feel that it is time to do so.  I plan on starting another blog about the subject of living simply and I am sure there will be mention of Alysia and my ongoing ways of coping with my grief.  Just because one year has passed does not mean that I am done grieving but I am ready to turn my writing to something more creative, more beautiful, all the while honoring Alysia's memory.

Having said that, here is my final post on my one year journey.  On July 25th, 2012 (the one year mark) a bunch of us got together at Alysia's grave site.  We brought a bunch of helium balloons and we each wrote a message to Alysia on them.

We chose bright and cheery balloons to honor her first "Heaven Day".  I found this term "Heaven Day" when googling for a better way to say "date of death" shortly after Alysia died. I liked it...as much as one can like such a term under the circumstances.

The odd thing was the wind picked up rather intensely while we were signing the balloons and getting ready to release them.  We all held onto the strings because it was sooo windy. On my balloon I drew my infamous cats one of Cido and one of Dobby.  Alysia and Tomi used to say my drawn cats always looked "stoned, scared and sad" all at the same time.  What do you think?

 Holding on tight to the balloons in the wind. You can see my Dobby cat on my yellow balloon below.

About ready to release.

Just as we released them a sadness came over all of us.  That moment was so powerful emotionally.  It was for me at least, a mix of a sense of such loss, and oddly, such freedom.  I wasn't sure what I was feeling from one second to the next.

I was amazed at how far they were going.  The wind carried them up so high and so far.

After a while they were so small we couldn't see them.  Alysia's balloons went on a journey heavenward, out of our sight, just like she did. Then the wind died down.

So there it was, that one year mark here and gone.  They say sometimes the second year is harder than the first in a different way.  They say because the emotions aren't as intense and don't take over as much anymore that you now have time to really reflect on your loss.  Apparently depression is quite common in the second year. Since I do not claim to know what will happen in the second year, or the third or the next 20, I will just wait and see.  What I can say is that right now, I do feel better.  I have healed, not completely, but enough to want to continue to heal, to live, to enjoy life.

I have learned a lot about myself, my family, my friends in this past year.  I have learned how blessed I am, despite my loss. I have learned more patience, I have relearned my true self, I have rediscovered my passions, I have embarked on a new journey.  However, I was still feeling doubts, fear and a sense of abandonment.  I hadn't had many "signs" from Alysia lately and I hadn't dreamed of her in several months.  It was truly bothering me.  I felt like she had left me completely.  Not only did she die on this physical plane but she also left me on the spiritual plane and that scared me.

Yet, the other night I had a lucid dream.  A dream that I know was real in a different plane...the spiritual plane.  I won't go into details too much because they would be nonsensical to most but I will let you know the gist.  Alysia came to me in dreamtime.  She was so beautiful, she was smiling from ear to ear and very playful with me.  Teasing me with her otherwordly knowledge, and smirking at my confusion at times during this "dream".  Basically she told me that everything is ok, that everything will be ok.  but she couldn't tell me everything. She told me I had to stop wasting my energy worrying about what will happen when I die or if I will ever see her again. She told me and her Dad, in my dream the same things.  "don't worry...I'm ok. everything will be ok, trust in me, trust in God." She also told me she knew everything about science, she also played a trick on me in my dream which told me there was no time/space constraints where she was.  All of these things were so profound, so reassuring, and brought me a sense of peace.  She told me to believe in God...and like her true self she was also telling me to do something mundane by requesting that I return certain items to Josh and her.  It seemed so silly to me that she would ask me to do something like this when she was conveying so much spiritual and profound information to me but I will do as she asks :)

This reminds me of her in my dream.  Playful and happy, yet elusive and going somewhere unknown to me but known to her.  This was taken of her skipping through the streets of London, England.

I have been told a few times by people who have lost loved ones that they had received messages from their loved ones reassuring them they were ok around the one year mark.  I kept that in mind at the beginning but began to lose hope because I wasn't dreaming of Alysia for a long time.  This dream was totally unexpected and real.

It saddens me to think there are people out there who don't believe in the spiritual plane or God.  I mean those who are religious in their denial of God.(Not those who say "I just don't know".  I don't understand why people can't see how science and spirituality complement each other...oh well, each to their own.  God will be there to receive us all, believers and non-believers.  I have had my doubts, believe me, but this dream did something in my brain and my heart.  It came from Alysia who knows.  She is there; She knows.

With that, I leave this blog on the internet to help whoever needs help in their grieving of a loved one, in particular, a child. For those who stumble across this, feel free to leave a message as I will continue to receive comments. I thank everyone who has read my blog over the past year.  You all mean so much to me.

Love,

Trish

Mother's Day and the return of the gold thread

Flowers that Josh sent me for Mother's Day

"Although children leave us, we are always mothers"

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I woke up around 6:30 am and the first thing I did was check my Facebook page to see...what?  I don't know what I expected to see but the fact that I did not see a post from Alysia hurt like hell.  I checked my phone for texts...to see what? I don't know but I sure didn't get a text from Alysia for mother's day.  No phone calls...nothing. I cried. I cried some more and I cried all day off and on. The day before Katie and I had gone to Alysia's grave and laid flowers that my mother had sent me for Mother's day.  I wanted to put them on her grave as it was from one generation of mother to the next to the end of the line in the form of my daughter's grave. Motherhood ended with me on our side of the family.

When I checked Facebook throughout the day yesterday I saw many posts about how great of a mother's day everyone was having and I became more and more sad.  I realize that people should enjoy their day with their children but those posts were like stabs in the heart. I felt forgotten and I thought of Katie's friend in Ontario who just recently lost his mom and how he was on the other end of that huge void. I pictured him sitting there looking at the posts on facebook and wondering if he felt as sad and bitter as me.

 I didn't think I would react as emotionally as I did to Mother's day considering when Alysia was young she would wish me a Happy Mother's Day and would apologize because she didn't buy me a gift. I would reply "it's ok, it's just another day created by Hallmark and it's enough for you to just wish me a Happy Mother's Day." Now that she's gone, it's not just a Hallmark- made occasion for me, it's the day I should have heard from just one person and I didn't. The day that confirms my identity as a mother still and I got very few acknowledgements of that. At one point yesterday, I had a proud mother moment when I thought about the fact that I was a mother to an angel now. An angel!  wow, that is pretty amazing.  That was short lived though and the void of her absence took over me.

Throughout the day yesterday in my sadness I would look at the flowers Josh sent me and a surge of love came over me for him, it made my day a little bit better.  The card on my mother's flowers, quoted above, began to melt away a cold spot in my heart. Yet my heart ached so much yesterday.  This morning I woke up crying again.  I wasn't able to go to work.  I felt so alone and I sat in bed after Katie left for work and cried so hard. Suddenly the journal I write in to Alysia fell over on the bedside table and I picked it up and began to write in it.  I have 1 1/2 pages left in it after what I wrote today.  I don't know if I should continue writing after I'm done this one or what will that last page and a half contain?  How will I end it?  If I do get another journal I feel like it has to be similar to the one I've been writing in.  It came from the cathedral in Washington, a very special place in my heart.  I found it odd that the journal fell over and snapped me out of my crying.  For a a few minutes I read the entries in my journal. A journal entry  that was a week or so after Alysia's funeral, I wrote "I am glad I was able to cry because I am afraid that after crying so much I would have no more tears to shed".  It's almost 10 months later and let me say that there has been no shortage of tears.

I decided to write a blog post today while I was off work so that I could get it all out. I set up my laptop on the kitchen table in front of Josh's flowers and out of the corner of my eye I caught a sparkling light in his flowers.  I take a closer look and saw a bit of gold on a flower bud. So I got up and took a real close look and lo and behold there is a very fine thread of gold filament thread that is laying amongst the foliage of his flowers!  I took a picture of it and I apologize for my crappy Iphone 3G camera (the original Iphone) but here it is.

It's blurry but you can see the gold filament thread running randomly through the flowers.

I knew, it was Alysia's way to say Happy Mother's Day through Josh's flowers and now they brighten my day even more. To get an understanding of the significance of the gold thread see my post http://sheisfreerthanabird.blogspot.ca/2012/03/golden-thread-and-power-of-creativity.html

Yesterday I couldn't do this because I was too hurt, but today I'd like to wish every mother out there a Happy Belated Mother's Day because you deserve the recognition.  I would like to wish those who aren't mothers to people, but to furry creatures, a Happy Mother to a furry creature Day too.  I would like to wish those of us who lost a child a Happy Mother to an Angel Day and finally to those children who lost a mother I'd like to wish them a Happy Angel Mother Day.

xo

Trish

Written in Stone

A beautiful tribute to my beautiful daughter with an amazingly fitting Radiohead quote.

It has been 8 months, yesterday, since Alysia passed away.  Pretty much on the 8th month mark her headstone finally arrived.  Happy early birthday present to me...  Tom Sr had seen it first and he emailed me pictures so I was somewhat prepared when Katie and I went on Saturday after work.  No matter how prepared I thought I was, it was still so sad and so hard to see.

I remember when I received the sketches for her stone from Oakridge Memory Gardens, seeing her date of birth on a headstone seemed harder than her date of death.  I never really quite understood why I reacted so hard to that.  Maybe it had to do with the fact that giving birth to her was such a happy time in my life, it was an identity I was proud to be...mother.  I was a mother.  Now that identity has been taken away.  People tell me I am still a mother but it's hard for me to completely identify with this anymore. I know I was a mother, but am I still now?

I was at a union workshop for 2 days and at the table during a lunch break a lot of the women were talking about their teenaged children and I sat there dreading the possibility they ask me if I had children. What do I say? Yes but she passed away 7 months ago? Or do I say "No" and just end the conversation?  I had an anxiety attack at lunch because of this silly scenario. I still do not know how to reconcile these confusing thoughts.

If you look on the stone, you will see a quote from Radiohead.  Alysia was a die-hard Radiohead fan and Lotus Flower was one of her favorite songs.  Although I knew she loved Radiohead I didn't know this was her favorite line from the song.  I was just guided to this when trying to choose what to put on her headstone . I believe she had a hand in this. Katie and I brainstormed a tattoo for me to do based around this quote so I could permanently honor Alysia's memory and have her close to me physically at all times.

There was something comforting about touching her stone. As if by touching her stone, I was touching her spirit. By talking to her name on the stone she could hear me in heaven more clearly. When I left, I kissed the top of the headstone and it felt like I was kissing the top of her head.  I understand now why headstones, grave markers of some sort, are so important to those left behind.

Resting peacefully by her nanny.

Headstones not only help the people left behind but will tell a story to the future generations.  As a person walks through this 50 years from now, they will be able to piece together the history of this little family...As Tomi will be buried next to Alysia and I will be buried across.  On my headstone I want written "Loving mother of Alysia D Abriel" so that I die with the identity of being a mother still.

I miss you Alysia xoxo

Phoenix rising

Some of you have seen this on my facebook as my profile pic once in a while.  I found this on the net to convey in an image how I felt at times.  It was like I was in either a womb waiting to be reborn and evolve or a prison waiting to die.  I was in nowhere land. A state of in between. If dusk could be a place that's where I was.

I was incubating in this place of darkness, waiting for one outcome or the other...waiting for the emotions to pass, to burst out of this womb or to die within the walls.  Yet the walls were thin enough to see light trying to penetrate through. All the while knowing I could bust out  if only I would make that choice. When I had the strength I would peak out a seam in the walls and see what was out there and at times I would pinch the seam together and stay within.

On New Year's Eve I went for a walk in the woods and came upon the sad pregnant lady tree. I talked to her.  I told her how I desperately wished I could make her happy so that she wouldn't have to be eternally sad.  I told her she should be happy as she is pregnant.  Like a crazy woman in point pleasant park, I am standing there touching her head and her belly crying for her...crying for me. (Luckily it was a cold rainy day and only one person saw me) I realized I was talking to myself.  Not in the mundane sense of thinking aloud but literally talking to a representation of myself.  Yet I didn't understand the pregnant part.  I told her I was once pregnant and had a beautiful daughter and now she is gone.  I cried with the tree lady.  A voice in my heart said "you are also pregnant, you are spiritually pregnant you can hold onto this pregnancy in your eternal sadness or you can give birth to what you have growing inside of you."

I realized, all the while I was incubating in the cocoon, I was also incubating something within me. I decided at that moment I would bust out of the walls of the cocoon and not have the fate of the sad tree lady.  I will welcome what ever it is that I am going to give birth to.  So today I received another strong message to let go of the old ways of thinking, the old patterns of behavior and to embrace this new creative energy brewing inside of me. I know this message was from Alysia today, the circumstances too magickal to  ignore.  She wants me to rise out of the ashes and embrace this new power within me. And like a phoenix, I stretch my wings, my heart and spirituality engulfed in creative flames. I feel the regenerating energy of the fire. I look this way and that way and I see Alysia there with me, ready to guide me. I feel a whole new me reborn with memories of the old me so that I do not forget what brought me to those ashes, what brought me to a place of rebirth.  Soon when I have the complete strength, I will flap those wings aflame with creativity, power, and spirituality and fly. The wind from my flight scattering the ashes below to feed the earth for another type of growth.  Those ashes are a part of me and those ashes will provide food for other living beings to grow.

Blue balls of light

I realized I haven't written in my blog for a couple of weeks now...honestly it's because I just haven't been feeling myself with Christmas creeping up.  This weekend we are setting up the tree and stuff and I know this will be hard.  It's something I have to do though.  I have to face this Christmas season head on.  I will update my blog about this I'm sure.

I wanted to write about something completely spiritual though today because well...I guess I am being guided to do this.  Who out there believe in angels?  I would love to hear comments about this.  Who out there believe in the archangels?

I have always been attracted to the other realm.  I believe in angels, archangels, faeries, demons and other beings that live in other planes.  I believe we have the ability to cross over these realms with our souls.  The dream scape is a portal as well as during meditation or in states of being where we are relaxed or even scared.  I take my dreams very seriously, some dreams are just regurgitation from the brain but some are our souls connecting to the spiritual realm.  I've had a few dreams of Alysia and there have been messages in those dreams but unfortunately more often than not my dreams have simply been regurgitation dreams since she passed away.  Chaotic nonsense dreams... which even those have a meaning considering my brain is trying to process so much.

I consider myself spiritual, intuitive, empathic, connected to the other realm of beings, connected to the big picture, the universe, God.  My mind and heart are open to these things.  When Alysia first passed away, I saw her in so many ways, she was in crows, in ravens, in a butterfly, a lady bug, a caterpillar, in the sudden wind gust, in my dreams and then she disappeared...gone.  My heart ached and ached for her, I rarely received signs of her but then suddenly I am surrounded by blue balls of light, most of the time, everywhere...  At work, in the shower, at night, in the day.  The day after Alysia passed away, I was looking at her dad, Tomi as we were getting in his car and hovering right in front of his heart was a huge blue ball of light.  At the time I thought it was Alysia but now I wonder if it wasn't his mom.

I believe just after Alysia passed away she could play in the realm of this world and she did.  She came to us in signs through nature because she knew all of us left behind loved nature as she did (animals in particular for her) and knew we would connect to that. But now, she has backed off connecting to us this way in order for us to heal, to accept our loss.

I believe the energy of the departed soul "purifies" as it sheds it's earthly limitations (experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc) and enters into a state of pure love and light.  I believe these blue balls of light are her, Carol and my father. 

I've read that blue lights signify the presence of angels and the particularly strong and big blue ones are the Archangel Michael. I believe there are different levels of love and light in other realms as life is constantly evolving which would explain why some angels carry more love and light capacity than others. Oddly enough Archangel Michael has been mentioned a lot to me recently particularly through Alysia's friend who has a strong attachment to the archangel Michael and who also did a reading for me with Archangel cards.

I had an interesting experience the other day...but first I must tell of something that happened a month or so ago...I was at work at the circulation desk and across from me at the reference desk was a girl seated in a chair asking the reference staff a long question.  This girl looked exactly like Alysia from the side, same hair color, hair style, build, height (which is unusual since Alysia barely hit 5').  I couldn't help stare at her.  It was embarrassing.  I was worried she would look over at me and see me staring at her.  When she finally left I saw her face-on and she didn't look as much like Alysia and that relieved me somehow.  However that whole experience upset me for the rest of the day.

Last week I was going up to the third floor of the library and a girl was coming out. She saw me coming up the stairs and decided to wait and hold the door for me, even though I was at the bottom of the flight of stairs! I thought to myself how unusually polite that was and when I got to the top I said thank you to her. She just looked at me and smirked and went her merry way.  It wasn't until I passed her, seeing her profile, did I realize that it was the girl that I was staring at a month or so ago at the reference desk.  I knew right then that somehow Alysia in her current state (angel) whispered in that girl's mind..."just hold open the door for this lady, just wait for her" and the fact that the girl didn't say "you're welcome" but just smirked, convinced me it she was under Alysia's influence because Alysia is infamous for her little smirk.  At the time it floored me, it made me so happy.  That girl probably left thinking "wtf? why did I hold the door sooo long for her?"

Alysia is an angel now, Alysia is in those blue lights I see.  I have an entourage of angels both "ordinary" ones like Alysia and Carol and my father and the extraordinary ones like Archangel Michael.  I've read things like blue lights are a sign of deteriorating vision (mine has stabilized over the past couple of years) and some have said they are due to trauma to the eye (never happened and have had my eyes checked by a specialist recently due to a brown blob in my vision, specialist said "nothing wrong with your eyes").  So you know what? I'm going with my heart and believing those blue lights are from the angelic world.

The funeral

Wasn't I just here just over a year ago...same funeral home, mostly the same people, same minister, same pew? Yes I was. I was just here for "nanny" Alysia's grandmother back in April 2010. I sat here with Tomi and Tom Sr and Alysia and Josh. I had just been with Carol it seems in her bedroom holding Tom senior's hand while she breathed her last breath after fighting cancer for so many years. Nanny and Alysia were close of course. It was a very sad day.

Carol in her last days couldn't speak so Tom Sr. had these pre-made pieces of paper that said "Yes" "No" "I love you" When Alysia walked in the bedroom just a day before nanny passed away. Carol handed her the "I love you" piece of paper to Alysia. It was heart wrenching.

Here I am again but this time it is Alysia up there in that closed coffin, only 15 months later. Inside that coffin is the slip of paper that nanny had given her "I love you" I put that in there for Alysia to find her nanny on the other side. So much loss and so many changes in the past two years...how is it that I am still breathing sitting here in this pew? How is it a human heart inside this human body can endure so much pain and transformation in such a short period of time? I still don't know.

At times when I bike to work my heart is beating so hard, as it is already taxed from stress and sadness, it feels it will just stop from sheer fatigue. At times it is filled with so much love for this world and life that it gathers strength from somewhere. I don't understand how it all works.

The funeral was "nice" as far as funerals for your only child goes. The reverend was inspiring and did capture Alysia well even though he had never met her. Josh broke all of our hearts when he read from the book "How much I love you" I think the title was.

Alysia loved crows, so much so that I quilted a crow scene on a quilt I was working on when she was in junior high. She loved them so much that eventually she got a tattoo of black birds on her arm...it has links to Radiohead apparently but she never did tell me the complete story behind her tattoo. That was very private to her. All I know is that it had several black birds. Also, one of the reasons why her dad picked "Black Bird" from the Beatles to have song by his friend at the funeral. I had also ordered a raven necklace off of ebay several weeks before she passed away for her birthday in November. I never did get that necklace due to weird circumstances...but in hindsight I feel it was someone guiding me ahead of time to pay attention to ravens. I ended up canceling the order because it just wouldn't get to me in the mail. I don't think the point of the necklace was for me to have it but for me to pay attention to ravens.

Alysia's friend played his cello and I knew then that there was going to be a special connection between him and I and that was to come within days of the funeral and is still there today.

On the way to the burial Tom spotted a black bird high in the sky following the funeral procession of cars from the highway all the way to the grave site. This was no short distance. This was not a fluke, it was very intentional. Once the reverend began the burial rites (?) not far were ravens, including the one that followed us, in a tree squawking. Then one started acting really funny. Flying up and pirouetting downwards in a nose dive and just being plain silly for several minutes. We all knew this was Alysia somehow influencing the behavior of this bird. Even the reverend knew this. Once the reverend was done speaking and we all placed our flowers on her coffin we looked up and saw that raven soaring in circles above us, just riding on the currents of air, ever so calmly, so peacefully. Then it flew away and we all said goodbye to Alysia. They symbolically lowered her coffin 6 inches or so next to her nanny's grave. Her little body lays next to her nanny's body in the ground. Her spirit has found her nanny's spirit in the other realm.

I believe a person's energy lingers in this plane for a while after their death, they can use earthly creatures, earthly phenomenons to communicate to us. I felt her presence in this manner for about a month I think but then things changed. Her energy changed, her process of death was in a new stage. I will write about why I believe this in upcoming blogs.

Some people would argue this is a grieving brain holding onto anything that might indicate their loss isn't real. I've studied so much spirituality, experienced so many things during my life that I can not believe these skeptics. Yes the brain can do these things but there is a difference between psychological disturbances and spiritual occurrences. I had dark moments when I questioned my sanity as I said before but I always come back logically to the fact that we don't know everything there is to be known about life on this planet. Science has not reached the end of knowledge and a lot of branches of science are now questioning the multiple dimensions, the existence of a soul...things spiritual people knew for thousands and thousands of years...

The viewings and Alysia's miracle workings from beyond.

My fear of the visitation day was all consuming. Alysia was "resting" as of early in the morning so the family could go see her first. I drove there by myself after I put up major barriers around my heart and mind. I "steeled" myself, I put myself in automatic pilot but underneath that shut down person, was a soul crying to God for help to get through this. My body drove the car dry eyed and strong, my soul screamed and cried and protested what I was about to do.

I walked in the funeral home, the smell of flowers overwhelming me. My body dragged my soul into the room and I could see her from a distance. Some part of me screamed internally. I made it 3/4 of the way and I had to sit down. I could just see her laying there and her floppy bear hanging over the edge of the casket. I cried while Tom held me. I eventually had to make my way to her. When I finally did, she looked like she was sleeping. The sight of floppy bear made me cry for so many of us left behind, but especially Josh at that moment.

In life she always had this little smirk on her face (when she wasn't pissed off). Like she always knew something we didn't. Somehow the funeral home captured that smirk without us ever mentioning that about her and only seeing one picture. It was ever so slight but it was there. I looked at her and said to her "You never wanted to grow up. I guess you got what you wanted. That's why you're smirking." That little smirk gave me strength to get through that day.

It took me a while to be able to actually touch my daughter in that casket. It went in stages, I touched her hair first, then her forehead and was struck by how smooth her skin was, and how cold she was. By the end of my morning visit I could kiss her forehead and hold her hands. Sometimes I thought I could see her smirk get bigger or her chest move as if she were breathing and my brain would say...Trish they took out her lungs, she is not breathing. She is dead." My brain had to be brutal to me.

At the scheduled viewings I was overwhelmed by the amount of people there. I didn't realize so many cared about our little family. I was so touched by everyone that was there. There were so many people that it seemed to be a social gathering at times. I would glance at Alysia and she was by herself, my heart breaking, I would have to go over to her and keep her company.

Two miracles though came of the viewings both of the same sort but different people. I had a childhood friend, she was practically my sister, my best friend ever, who I had lost contact with for over 23 years. She never left my heart. She was always my sister. Her family took care of me when I was young and her family always had a special place in my heart. Luckily one of the sisters in the family always kept semi contact with me. Alysia never met her but heard me talk about her so much. I believe Alysia entered both of our hearts and "softened" them to the point where my long lost friend came to the viewing. I was so happy to see her! My soul, my inner child leaped with joy! I knew Alysia had something to do with this. I thank her everyday for doing this.

Alysia used to joke about my "ex-friends"...she just found it funny that I had ex-friends for some reason. Don't most people? Another ex-friend of our family found out about Alysia's death through a set of completely weird circumstances that could not be explained... being delayed at a garage waiting for a part for his car, glancing down at a sprawled out newspaper that happened to be open to the obituaries and seeing Alysia's obituary! He knew he had to come to the viewings. His wife however was away at an unreachable place so she wasn't there. I knew that Alysia wanted him to be there, she always really liked him but knew that having his wife there wouldn't be good for me, at least not at this point in my life. I haven't heard from either of them since but that's ok. As I am learning to trust in the timing of things. Even in the timing of my only daughter's death at the age of 20.


My fear of having the image of Alysia in a casket overshadow all other memories and images of her were unfounded but very real to me at the time. Although I can remember her in the casket, I actually have to pull it out of my memory bank. My thoughts of her for the most part, are of when she was alive... laughing, playing WoW in her bedroom, burning her food because she was impatient and set the burner to "inferno"...etc.

Terra and the days before the viewings

I should start off by saying that the other night I was up for most of it after having bad dreams.I wondered if this blog was a good idea, was it too soon to write about Alysia's death and my journey through grieving? However, I came to the conclusion I am to continue on with the blog, no matter how hard it is at times.

I've been journaling since the day after we buried Alysia which has been a great help in processing the grief. However leading up to then will have to be from memory and it is quite wonky. The days are a blur, time stands still yet goes at the speed of light all at the same time. I've realized since her passing that life is full of irreconcilable opposites or I guess that would be called dichotomies. Divine dichotomies even.

The few days leading up to the "viewings" were awful. Between picking out a casket, the plot, the flowers, pictures for the picture boards, digital pictures for the screen,doing the obituary and on and on it went were at once horrible and therapeutic. It kept my ex husband (Tom) and I busy. We were able to numb ourselves to get through this process. We had spent a night together reminiscing and sharing our pain. We were always friends after the separation but this brought us much closer as friends. Two people who have lost their only child. The child for who we stuck out our marriage for 20 years. That child now brought us back together in circumstances so difficult that we could either have hated each other or allowed ourselves to bond closer as friends. Luckily we were both on the same page. We needed each other to be on the same page for who else can understand our loss like each other does?

My fear of the viewings were so intense I almost asked that it be closed casket because I did not want the image of her in a casket be so engraved in my memory that it overwhelmed 20 years of other memories. Logically this does not make sense but at the time logic makes not a lick of difference. I was scared to death.

My cat Terra was our little family's buddy. When we were together, Tom, Alysia and I, Terra didn't have a favorite. She loved us all equally. She is an amazing cat with lots of character. However when Alysia was home we could always find Terra hanging with her in her bedroom. Terra was Alysia's buddy and vice versa. Of course Alysia moved out to be with her boyfriend, Tom and I separated and so I kept the cats.

During the days leading up to the viewings in my paralyzing fear moments I would cry so hard I could hardly breath, I would feel as though my heart would simply stop from the sheer heart break I was feeling. I did not know how my body could endure such horrid fear and heartbreak. Terra would always come up to me as soon as she knew I was crying and comfort me. Yes animals do this but sometimes before I would start crying she would seem disoriented, confused.It was like she was watching something in the room move around. I think she sensed Alysia, maybe even saw her. She would comfort me in ways that were not her usual behavior. She wasn't scared or upset, just different. She would then seem like her normal Terra self when I was done my breakdown. As if she accomplished what she needed to accomplish.

Some people may not believe in these things but I believed that Alysia was using Terra to comfort me. Katie noticed a difference in her behavior as well...especially the confused behavior. I often asked Katie (and still do) am I crazy? Am I just a desperate grieving mother holding onto signs that aren't really there? But she always assures me that she could tell I knew the difference between real signs and not making things into signs when they really weren't. This conversation comes up over and over again.

Knowing that Alysia was using Terra some how to comfort me gave me hope that Alysia was ok, that she was in a place that allowed her more freedom to be where she needed to be. It gave me confirmation of an after life. Sometimes I still have doubts and question signs but I suppose that is a good thing so I don't go crazy looking for her everywhere.

I finally want to say a thank you from the bottom of my heart to Tom (Tomi) for not being bitter towards our relationship situation and especially for being another source of support and comfort. You are an amazing man and friend. Hang in there Tomi, there is hope.

Trish