Blue balls of light

I realized I haven't written in my blog for a couple of weeks now...honestly it's because I just haven't been feeling myself with Christmas creeping up.  This weekend we are setting up the tree and stuff and I know this will be hard.  It's something I have to do though.  I have to face this Christmas season head on.  I will update my blog about this I'm sure.

I wanted to write about something completely spiritual though today because well...I guess I am being guided to do this.  Who out there believe in angels?  I would love to hear comments about this.  Who out there believe in the archangels?

I have always been attracted to the other realm.  I believe in angels, archangels, faeries, demons and other beings that live in other planes.  I believe we have the ability to cross over these realms with our souls.  The dream scape is a portal as well as during meditation or in states of being where we are relaxed or even scared.  I take my dreams very seriously, some dreams are just regurgitation from the brain but some are our souls connecting to the spiritual realm.  I've had a few dreams of Alysia and there have been messages in those dreams but unfortunately more often than not my dreams have simply been regurgitation dreams since she passed away.  Chaotic nonsense dreams... which even those have a meaning considering my brain is trying to process so much.

I consider myself spiritual, intuitive, empathic, connected to the other realm of beings, connected to the big picture, the universe, God.  My mind and heart are open to these things.  When Alysia first passed away, I saw her in so many ways, she was in crows, in ravens, in a butterfly, a lady bug, a caterpillar, in the sudden wind gust, in my dreams and then she disappeared...gone.  My heart ached and ached for her, I rarely received signs of her but then suddenly I am surrounded by blue balls of light, most of the time, everywhere...  At work, in the shower, at night, in the day.  The day after Alysia passed away, I was looking at her dad, Tomi as we were getting in his car and hovering right in front of his heart was a huge blue ball of light.  At the time I thought it was Alysia but now I wonder if it wasn't his mom.

I believe just after Alysia passed away she could play in the realm of this world and she did.  She came to us in signs through nature because she knew all of us left behind loved nature as she did (animals in particular for her) and knew we would connect to that. But now, she has backed off connecting to us this way in order for us to heal, to accept our loss.

I believe the energy of the departed soul "purifies" as it sheds it's earthly limitations (experiences, emotions, thoughts, etc) and enters into a state of pure love and light.  I believe these blue balls of light are her, Carol and my father. 

I've read that blue lights signify the presence of angels and the particularly strong and big blue ones are the Archangel Michael. I believe there are different levels of love and light in other realms as life is constantly evolving which would explain why some angels carry more love and light capacity than others. Oddly enough Archangel Michael has been mentioned a lot to me recently particularly through Alysia's friend who has a strong attachment to the archangel Michael and who also did a reading for me with Archangel cards.

I had an interesting experience the other day...but first I must tell of something that happened a month or so ago...I was at work at the circulation desk and across from me at the reference desk was a girl seated in a chair asking the reference staff a long question.  This girl looked exactly like Alysia from the side, same hair color, hair style, build, height (which is unusual since Alysia barely hit 5').  I couldn't help stare at her.  It was embarrassing.  I was worried she would look over at me and see me staring at her.  When she finally left I saw her face-on and she didn't look as much like Alysia and that relieved me somehow.  However that whole experience upset me for the rest of the day.

Last week I was going up to the third floor of the library and a girl was coming out. She saw me coming up the stairs and decided to wait and hold the door for me, even though I was at the bottom of the flight of stairs! I thought to myself how unusually polite that was and when I got to the top I said thank you to her. She just looked at me and smirked and went her merry way.  It wasn't until I passed her, seeing her profile, did I realize that it was the girl that I was staring at a month or so ago at the reference desk.  I knew right then that somehow Alysia in her current state (angel) whispered in that girl's mind..."just hold open the door for this lady, just wait for her" and the fact that the girl didn't say "you're welcome" but just smirked, convinced me it she was under Alysia's influence because Alysia is infamous for her little smirk.  At the time it floored me, it made me so happy.  That girl probably left thinking "wtf? why did I hold the door sooo long for her?"

Alysia is an angel now, Alysia is in those blue lights I see.  I have an entourage of angels both "ordinary" ones like Alysia and Carol and my father and the extraordinary ones like Archangel Michael.  I've read things like blue lights are a sign of deteriorating vision (mine has stabilized over the past couple of years) and some have said they are due to trauma to the eye (never happened and have had my eyes checked by a specialist recently due to a brown blob in my vision, specialist said "nothing wrong with your eyes").  So you know what? I'm going with my heart and believing those blue lights are from the angelic world.

Reflections

Those big brown eyes; are they yours or are they mine?
The image of you floating over mine in the mirror.
The words on the screen are not adequate to explain
why it is I am awake.
It is absurd for me to even try.

I stare at the walls of the night time room
I feel you in the reflection of the darkness.
As though I can reach out and touch you but
it is absurd to even try.

I close my eyes and I follow my heart
to a space of light where you are.
It is like trying to find you in the vastness of the universe.
It is absurd for me to even try.

Yet your presence is somewhere shimmering off of the air
right next to my skin, in my hair.
I feel you whisper but there are no words.
The tension builds inside of me from lack of understanding,
it is absurd for me to even try.

That vast void that once seemed to be my eternal destiny
is being filled by your unknowable reflection,
the reflection of you that I can not hold.
The void was the size of the universe and that is where you now dwell.
Do you think you can fill it?
It is absurd for you to even try.

But I don't want you to go
I don't want you to not try.
I will look at your eyes in the mirror;
live life so you can look through mine.
It would be absurd for me not to try.

I will reach out in the darkness
feel your hand on mine
even though my body denies it
my heart would be broken if I believed that...
it was absurd for me to try.

I will listen to your whispers
despite my not hearing what you are saying,
I will watch the dancing lights
and hope it is you
it would be absurd for me not to try.

How absurd of me to think I can
reconcile such opposing absurdities.

The funeral

Wasn't I just here just over a year ago...same funeral home, mostly the same people, same minister, same pew? Yes I was. I was just here for "nanny" Alysia's grandmother back in April 2010. I sat here with Tomi and Tom Sr and Alysia and Josh. I had just been with Carol it seems in her bedroom holding Tom senior's hand while she breathed her last breath after fighting cancer for so many years. Nanny and Alysia were close of course. It was a very sad day.

Carol in her last days couldn't speak so Tom Sr. had these pre-made pieces of paper that said "Yes" "No" "I love you" When Alysia walked in the bedroom just a day before nanny passed away. Carol handed her the "I love you" piece of paper to Alysia. It was heart wrenching.

Here I am again but this time it is Alysia up there in that closed coffin, only 15 months later. Inside that coffin is the slip of paper that nanny had given her "I love you" I put that in there for Alysia to find her nanny on the other side. So much loss and so many changes in the past two years...how is it that I am still breathing sitting here in this pew? How is it a human heart inside this human body can endure so much pain and transformation in such a short period of time? I still don't know.

At times when I bike to work my heart is beating so hard, as it is already taxed from stress and sadness, it feels it will just stop from sheer fatigue. At times it is filled with so much love for this world and life that it gathers strength from somewhere. I don't understand how it all works.

The funeral was "nice" as far as funerals for your only child goes. The reverend was inspiring and did capture Alysia well even though he had never met her. Josh broke all of our hearts when he read from the book "How much I love you" I think the title was.

Alysia loved crows, so much so that I quilted a crow scene on a quilt I was working on when she was in junior high. She loved them so much that eventually she got a tattoo of black birds on her arm...it has links to Radiohead apparently but she never did tell me the complete story behind her tattoo. That was very private to her. All I know is that it had several black birds. Also, one of the reasons why her dad picked "Black Bird" from the Beatles to have song by his friend at the funeral. I had also ordered a raven necklace off of ebay several weeks before she passed away for her birthday in November. I never did get that necklace due to weird circumstances...but in hindsight I feel it was someone guiding me ahead of time to pay attention to ravens. I ended up canceling the order because it just wouldn't get to me in the mail. I don't think the point of the necklace was for me to have it but for me to pay attention to ravens.

Alysia's friend played his cello and I knew then that there was going to be a special connection between him and I and that was to come within days of the funeral and is still there today.

On the way to the burial Tom spotted a black bird high in the sky following the funeral procession of cars from the highway all the way to the grave site. This was no short distance. This was not a fluke, it was very intentional. Once the reverend began the burial rites (?) not far were ravens, including the one that followed us, in a tree squawking. Then one started acting really funny. Flying up and pirouetting downwards in a nose dive and just being plain silly for several minutes. We all knew this was Alysia somehow influencing the behavior of this bird. Even the reverend knew this. Once the reverend was done speaking and we all placed our flowers on her coffin we looked up and saw that raven soaring in circles above us, just riding on the currents of air, ever so calmly, so peacefully. Then it flew away and we all said goodbye to Alysia. They symbolically lowered her coffin 6 inches or so next to her nanny's grave. Her little body lays next to her nanny's body in the ground. Her spirit has found her nanny's spirit in the other realm.

I believe a person's energy lingers in this plane for a while after their death, they can use earthly creatures, earthly phenomenons to communicate to us. I felt her presence in this manner for about a month I think but then things changed. Her energy changed, her process of death was in a new stage. I will write about why I believe this in upcoming blogs.

Some people would argue this is a grieving brain holding onto anything that might indicate their loss isn't real. I've studied so much spirituality, experienced so many things during my life that I can not believe these skeptics. Yes the brain can do these things but there is a difference between psychological disturbances and spiritual occurrences. I had dark moments when I questioned my sanity as I said before but I always come back logically to the fact that we don't know everything there is to be known about life on this planet. Science has not reached the end of knowledge and a lot of branches of science are now questioning the multiple dimensions, the existence of a soul...things spiritual people knew for thousands and thousands of years...