No apologies from this blogger.

Accept everything about yourself - I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end - no apologies, no regrets.
Henry A. Kissinger

A wonderful quote but very hard to live by. 

I was told today, not asked, to stop writing in my public blog, as if I was a 12 year old child to be scolded. First of all I will not apologize for my blog.  What I have written have been the truth from my perspective.  I have been very careful as to how I word things and could have been much more brutally honest but I saw no point in it.  I opened myself up and exposed my feelings and my doubts and my flaws for all to see.  I did this for two reasons, one for my own personal healing and two to help others who maybe experiencing grieving due to a loss of a child or close loved one.  Although I have had this one command, I have had many private messages from my friends saying how my blog is helping them in their own grieving, or their own spiritual growth, or in understanding my grieving.  I have had emails from Alysia's friends thanking me for passing on the message about anxiety and drinking and so on. I have had emails from Alysia's friends reassuring me that Alysia loved me and was proud of me and happy about my current relationship.

I admit that this blog is fizzling but my intention is to keep it up for the first year of grieving so that people can know grieving lasts a long time and there are many stages.  There is progress and there are set backs.  The first year is a year of first everything without the person you lost.  Next month is my birthday, it will be my first birthday without Alysia.  How will that affect me? I never know until around that time. I may be doing ok now but in three weeks who knows? Just know that prior to last week, I was in a really dark place emotionally.  I did not write about it because it has already been said. To those who are reading this because they too have lost someone, know that even 7 months later it is normal to have set backs in your grieving.  Set back is not a good term but that is how it feels at the time. In reality though it is not a set back, it is another stage of grief that has to play itself out.

It is for those people that I write this blog.  It is for nights like tonight when I've been unable to sleep due to my grief. This blog is an outlet for my feelings. I will write in the middle of the night and then be able to sleep afterward.  People don't have to read it if they don't want to.  That's perfectly ok. Almost 1100 hits later from all over the world, I'm thinking this isn't just for me though and that is just a bonus to me.

In my next blog entry I will write about the power of creativity in the process of healing.

Good night everyone xo