The Golden Thread and the Power of Creativity

The golden thread is a symbol of the inspiration, intuition, and guiding light that graces us throughout our lives. It is that which we follow, knowing that it will, in some mysterious way, guide us on our true paths in life. It is most colorfully portrayed in Greek mythology as the magical thread that Ariadne gave to Theseus, assisting him in his heroic journey into and out of the Minotaur's labyrinth. As we travel through literal and figurative labyrinths in our lives, the golden thread may easily go unnoticed, yet when it is recognized and followed, we may find that this archetypal strand of gold connects us to our true selves, to our beloveds, and to that which we discover to be home.

The cats on the sweater while I was assembling it.

The day before I started my new job at Saint Mary's University in November 2010, I took my bike from home to the university to see how long it would take me so I would be prepared time-wise.  I remember calling Alysia from the parking lot of the campus just asking how things were going. I remember telling her how happy I was to be starting my new job and how happy I was in general.  I remember her being happy for me over the phone.  That was about 16 months ago. The next month, December 2010, I started a knitting project of epic proportions (in my mind)...a sweater for my partner. I never knitted a sweater before but I was ready for this challenge.  I was happy, I was working in a great place, I finished school, I had the time.

In the beginning, while knitting this sweater during my lunch hours, I would knit in happy thoughts, I would knit interesting lunch hour conversations, I was knitting for the sake of knitting, pure and simple. Sometimes my mind would go blank and I would enter that zone they call "zen".  It was a slow process, I wasn't in any hurry. I suspected I would have it done for next Christmas.

When Alysia passed away 8 months later and I was home for two weeks, I didn't pick up the sweater. I couldn't.  I couldn't focus on it. I couldn't fathom doing anything but crying. However the first day I returned to work, two weeks later, something told me to bring the sweater to work on.  On a side note here, I want to say that although it seems I returned to work quickly, I needed to get out of the apartment.  I needed to get a break from that scene of extreme grief.  It was one of the harder things I had to do after Alysia passed away.  Not everyone should return to work so soon, not everyone should be off work for a long time.  Each person is different.  I wasn't more brave or less brave, I just did what I needed to do to get through.  Luckily my work environment is one that helped my healing.  Some work environments aren't blessed with such gifts...every situation is different. 

I remember my first lunch hour back and I pulled out the sweater to work on it and I immediately picked up where I left off.  It was a good diversion for that awkward lunch hour during which no one knew what to say to me.  The sweater served as an avoidance tool at first. Over the weeks, talking to my friends in the lunch room I would talk about Alysia while knitting and there would be tears. When I knit the sweater in silence my mind would go over everything that had happened.  I would think of Alysia being gone, her funeral, my future, and so many other thoughts.  All the while excited to get the sweater done for my partner. In February when I finally finished knitting the sweater, I had to assemble it.  I remember looking at the pieces one by one, "oh the pocket was the first thing I did, I remember being so excited about starting this project". The pocket had to be assembled to the front "the front was where I first started knitting in my grieving, my tears, my fears." I had to attach the good to the bad.  The hood (good) to the body (bad), etc...  When I was all done I felt both happy and confused.  On another side note, a grief counselor told me some tips on how to cope with grief and one was to do something creative...I told her I was already on that one.

I held up that finished sweater (in March...not in time for Christmas) and thought how symbolic of my life it was.  It was a mixture of happiness with my new life prior to Alysia's death and extreme devastation from the loss of Alysia. My assembly work was shaky and not the best, the seams look a little like scars...just like the scars in my heart and in my life in general.  Yet I was so proud of this sweater, good and bad, that I couldn't wait to give it to Katie!  She was/still is there through both the good and the bad, through thick and thin and this sweater symbolized so much more than just what happened to me but what happened to us.  Of course she should have this sweater, she earned it. I love her and she should have it. Our relationship was worth all the effort I put into this sweater.  While she was there consoling me and taking care of me, I was plodding through the making of this sweater. I can't explain how this works but in finishing this sweater, I closed a tiny piece of my grief with it.

Katie with Terra and the sweater

Now, I am addicted to creating. I suppose that's better than being addicted to unhealthy things.  I started a new project. A coffee press cozy for...me! I never made anything for me before.  Even this little project that I'm doing is also so symbolic of my life.  I find that I am doing things for me now.  I will not allow anything/anyone anymore to hinder my progress in my healing. I have been forced to reinvent myself once again and it is a struggle to do so. I have to remember my past and honor my beautiful Alysia all the while move forward in healing and happiness and joy and love.  I have to piece my past to my present, to create something beautiful in the future... just like the sweater.

 The very act of living is creative but it's pretty cool to use that creativity to create objects of use or works of art.  I strongly recommend creativity for grief therapy.  God is a creator and we are co-creators with him/her. We were created to create. Alysia was artistic and created wonderful drawings and computer graphics. In creating, I am honoring her memory. I miss her so much, I love her so much and a little piece of her will live on in all of my creations in the form of a gold thread that I weave into all my creations from now on.  I have a gold thread in Katie's sweater and one in my coffee press cozy <3

Phoenix rising

Some of you have seen this on my facebook as my profile pic once in a while.  I found this on the net to convey in an image how I felt at times.  It was like I was in either a womb waiting to be reborn and evolve or a prison waiting to die.  I was in nowhere land. A state of in between. If dusk could be a place that's where I was.

I was incubating in this place of darkness, waiting for one outcome or the other...waiting for the emotions to pass, to burst out of this womb or to die within the walls.  Yet the walls were thin enough to see light trying to penetrate through. All the while knowing I could bust out  if only I would make that choice. When I had the strength I would peak out a seam in the walls and see what was out there and at times I would pinch the seam together and stay within.

On New Year's Eve I went for a walk in the woods and came upon the sad pregnant lady tree. I talked to her.  I told her how I desperately wished I could make her happy so that she wouldn't have to be eternally sad.  I told her she should be happy as she is pregnant.  Like a crazy woman in point pleasant park, I am standing there touching her head and her belly crying for her...crying for me. (Luckily it was a cold rainy day and only one person saw me) I realized I was talking to myself.  Not in the mundane sense of thinking aloud but literally talking to a representation of myself.  Yet I didn't understand the pregnant part.  I told her I was once pregnant and had a beautiful daughter and now she is gone.  I cried with the tree lady.  A voice in my heart said "you are also pregnant, you are spiritually pregnant you can hold onto this pregnancy in your eternal sadness or you can give birth to what you have growing inside of you."

I realized, all the while I was incubating in the cocoon, I was also incubating something within me. I decided at that moment I would bust out of the walls of the cocoon and not have the fate of the sad tree lady.  I will welcome what ever it is that I am going to give birth to.  So today I received another strong message to let go of the old ways of thinking, the old patterns of behavior and to embrace this new creative energy brewing inside of me. I know this message was from Alysia today, the circumstances too magickal to  ignore.  She wants me to rise out of the ashes and embrace this new power within me. And like a phoenix, I stretch my wings, my heart and spirituality engulfed in creative flames. I feel the regenerating energy of the fire. I look this way and that way and I see Alysia there with me, ready to guide me. I feel a whole new me reborn with memories of the old me so that I do not forget what brought me to those ashes, what brought me to a place of rebirth.  Soon when I have the complete strength, I will flap those wings aflame with creativity, power, and spirituality and fly. The wind from my flight scattering the ashes below to feed the earth for another type of growth.  Those ashes are a part of me and those ashes will provide food for other living beings to grow.