Approaching July 25th: Alysia's first "Heaven Day"

I begin writing this one year mark blog entry almost a week before the actual date.  Yesterday while at the gravesite watering Alysia's and her nanny's flowers I expressed to Katie that I have been feeling rather numb whenever I think of Alysia this week.  That numbness was scaring me on so many levels.  Was it denial kicking in? Was it my brain protecting my heart? Was I forgetting Alysia? Was this what healing feels like?  I didn't like it one bit and was causing me some anxiety all week.  I don't want numbness to mean I am healing.  I am a passionate person who feels so much.  I don't want to end up being someone completely different than who I was before Alysia passed away.  I know that I will "never be the same" but I don't want to be numb.I still want that passionate side of me to remain.

As soon as I shared that with Katie at the gravesite, I cried and cried and spoke to Alysia aloud, still wishing I could hold her close to me.  When I say these things during these moments of crying/mourning I find myself surprised that after "so much" time I still desire to be able to hold her.  It surprises me that my brain still can't wrap itself around the idea that I will never be able to hold her again, on this plane at least. I constantly analyze all of my feelings and how they relate to Alysia's death.

In moments of happiness I ask: What is making me happy despite my grief? How long has this happiness been lasting? Is this moment of happiness happening more often? Is it lasting longer? Have I made a mental note of what is causing me to be happy so I can go back to that in times of sadness? And yes I still feel a tinge of guilt when I realize I've been having a happy moment.

In moments of sadness, I tend to question it less because it's more obvious but I do ask: How long since I've had a crying spell like this? Are they becoming less frequent?  Is this moment feeling less intense?

In numbness I ask the questions I mentioned above.

In anger, I ask: Am I really angry at what is happening right now (unrelated to Alysia's death) or am I just angry with my grief, my losses?

In anxiety I ask: Why am I afraid? How does this anxiety relate to my "grief anxiety" (as I call it). Is it the same or is it different?

My brain never rests but I feel this is what is helping me heal.  How can a person heal if they don't know what is causing the dis-ease?  How can a person treat the dis-ease if they don't know what makes it better.  Conscious awareness of all thoughts and emotions is vital despite it being exhausting and annoying at times.

The other day, I put my hand on a co-worker's belly.  She is pregnant and has a beautiful baby bump.  I asked if I could touch her belly.  At that very moment a flood of emotions hit me but I did not show it.  First I felt very sad, then I felt very guilty for feeling sad.  This wasn't about me, it was about her joy and excitement.  Then I felt very afraid.  The fear stuck with me for a long time.  I felt I may have "cursed" her baby somehow.  That because I lost my child, that by touching her belly, I may have passed on my shitty luck onto her.  I struggled with this for a long time.  I know it is absurd but I don't know if I will touch her baby bump again, just to be sure.

These are the emotions that run through a grieving mother's mind.  These are the rational and irrational thoughts. They linger a long time.  It's been almost a year and my brain still struggles with it all.

Since my last blog post, good things have happened.  We bought a place and have moved into it a few weeks ago.  It's not fancy, it's not big but it's home.  It is surrounded by good neighbors, surrounded by trees and birds and squirrels and chipmunks.  I'm living with my love in a home we love.  Katie's parents came for a few day visit from Ontario and I finally got to meet them! We adopted a cat who we've named Dobby. She is a bit feral but is slowly coming around. She is our baby.  Physically she reminds us so much of Terra but she is not like Terra at all. She is her own cute self and we are blessed to have her in our lives. We love our jobs and are grateful for not just the job itself but for the people we work with and the little perks we get through our jobs.

Our baby, Dobby (our house elf) who's personality is much like Dobby from Harry Potter :)

Today I received a nice homemade card from two coworkers/friends showing they were thinking of me at this one year mark coming up.  They gave me a gift certificate to one of our favorite restaurants.  I said to Katie when I told her about the card and gift that I feel as though, despite my unimaginable loss and other losses throughout my life, I feel so blessed for the life I have because of the friends and family in our lives and the jobs we have.  It is as if my heart still has a hole in it but grows(my heart) with feelings of love and gratitude. Is this the new me?  This I am willing to accept. I know the hole, that is Alysia's absence, will never disappear but if my heart can continue to grow with love and gratitude, this will bring me peace... with a hole in it.

Although our new home has no memories of Alysia attached with it, I have created a sacred space outside in the yard that invokes her presence some how.  I love this little space with the garden gnome from my soul sister Suzy, a crystal that Alysia owned and a fern that I have had for a long time ( I dug it out of our garden in Fairview when we moved and have dragged it with us, every move, ever since. I plan to put it in the ground at this home) and feathers I keep finding. This space feels like Alysia even though there is no picture of her and nothing of hers other than the crystal.  I have managed to bring her energy into our new space and this makes me very happy.  I don't know what I will do in the winter when it's all covered in snow but I'll come up with something I'm sure.

After seeing how long this blog entry is, I will blog again next week about the one year mark.

The viewings and Alysia's miracle workings from beyond.

My fear of the visitation day was all consuming. Alysia was "resting" as of early in the morning so the family could go see her first. I drove there by myself after I put up major barriers around my heart and mind. I "steeled" myself, I put myself in automatic pilot but underneath that shut down person, was a soul crying to God for help to get through this. My body drove the car dry eyed and strong, my soul screamed and cried and protested what I was about to do.

I walked in the funeral home, the smell of flowers overwhelming me. My body dragged my soul into the room and I could see her from a distance. Some part of me screamed internally. I made it 3/4 of the way and I had to sit down. I could just see her laying there and her floppy bear hanging over the edge of the casket. I cried while Tom held me. I eventually had to make my way to her. When I finally did, she looked like she was sleeping. The sight of floppy bear made me cry for so many of us left behind, but especially Josh at that moment.

In life she always had this little smirk on her face (when she wasn't pissed off). Like she always knew something we didn't. Somehow the funeral home captured that smirk without us ever mentioning that about her and only seeing one picture. It was ever so slight but it was there. I looked at her and said to her "You never wanted to grow up. I guess you got what you wanted. That's why you're smirking." That little smirk gave me strength to get through that day.

It took me a while to be able to actually touch my daughter in that casket. It went in stages, I touched her hair first, then her forehead and was struck by how smooth her skin was, and how cold she was. By the end of my morning visit I could kiss her forehead and hold her hands. Sometimes I thought I could see her smirk get bigger or her chest move as if she were breathing and my brain would say...Trish they took out her lungs, she is not breathing. She is dead." My brain had to be brutal to me.

At the scheduled viewings I was overwhelmed by the amount of people there. I didn't realize so many cared about our little family. I was so touched by everyone that was there. There were so many people that it seemed to be a social gathering at times. I would glance at Alysia and she was by herself, my heart breaking, I would have to go over to her and keep her company.

Two miracles though came of the viewings both of the same sort but different people. I had a childhood friend, she was practically my sister, my best friend ever, who I had lost contact with for over 23 years. She never left my heart. She was always my sister. Her family took care of me when I was young and her family always had a special place in my heart. Luckily one of the sisters in the family always kept semi contact with me. Alysia never met her but heard me talk about her so much. I believe Alysia entered both of our hearts and "softened" them to the point where my long lost friend came to the viewing. I was so happy to see her! My soul, my inner child leaped with joy! I knew Alysia had something to do with this. I thank her everyday for doing this.

Alysia used to joke about my "ex-friends"...she just found it funny that I had ex-friends for some reason. Don't most people? Another ex-friend of our family found out about Alysia's death through a set of completely weird circumstances that could not be explained... being delayed at a garage waiting for a part for his car, glancing down at a sprawled out newspaper that happened to be open to the obituaries and seeing Alysia's obituary! He knew he had to come to the viewings. His wife however was away at an unreachable place so she wasn't there. I knew that Alysia wanted him to be there, she always really liked him but knew that having his wife there wouldn't be good for me, at least not at this point in my life. I haven't heard from either of them since but that's ok. As I am learning to trust in the timing of things. Even in the timing of my only daughter's death at the age of 20.


My fear of having the image of Alysia in a casket overshadow all other memories and images of her were unfounded but very real to me at the time. Although I can remember her in the casket, I actually have to pull it out of my memory bank. My thoughts of her for the most part, are of when she was alive... laughing, playing WoW in her bedroom, burning her food because she was impatient and set the burner to "inferno"...etc.

"Your library will shake itself apart"

I have what seems like a contradictory collection of books. I have books on Christianity (Catholicism in particular), paganism (wicca and druidry and shamanism), books on New Age, herbalism, natural healing and other subjects. When someone looks at my shelf they will see "Witch's Kitchen" next to one of many versions of the bible I own. Tom used to say the book cases were going to shake themselves apart from some sort of spiritual warfare on the shelves. Most of the world wants you to make a choice on a specific "religion" or "spiritual path", most of the world can not see the truths in all of them. I felt many times forced in one direction or another until I gave up on all of it and buried my spiritual side for a few years. It wasn't until recently I began to allow that to come back. Was that for a reason? I think so.

I believe religions complement each other. I don't believe they are exclusive. Alysia was also recently taking interest in the spiritual world and took a course at Dal in Witchcraft I believe. Even though she had a scientific mind and wanted to study chemistry, she also was starting to think it impossible for this planet, this universe to be an accident. There had to be some sort of intelligent design behind it all. She wasn't clear, she wasn't sure but she was beginning to question. I was happy to see this unfolding.

However someone during the days of getting ready for the viewings was in our apartment and spied my books on the shelf and proceeded to preach that those who dabble with the occult bring misfortune to themselves and others around them. My heart sank, fear set in. I didn't hear much after this. This person was supposed to be there to comfort us but instead left me in a state of paralyzing fear.

I joke a lot about my other cat Cido as being really stunned. Well he is. He gets by on his looks I say. But that day, he watched this person intensely from a distance. Cido wouldn't come out when normally he is a friendly cat. I would glance at him and he was staring down this person. I felt Cido was my little guardian at that time.

When it was just me and Katie and the cats in the apartment that evening, I was in such a state of fear. I was believing I had caused my daughter to pass away due to my reading and practicing non-Christian things. I really felt that I was being punished for my lifestyle. As if God Himself saw my books and knew my beliefs in my heart and punished me by taking my only child. I was a complete mess. I was convinced it was all my fault. I was convinced I was evil.

Katie would say to me "no evil can come out of such a beautiful soul. How can you be evil when you see such beauty in the world?" I was so scared I wanted to burn my books, throw out my stones, be rid of anything that wasn't remotely Christian.

I cried and cried for a very long time that evening. It was one of my worst evenings. Later that night I woke up and sensed Alysia lying next to me. I "heard" in my heart. "He is just afraid mom. He was taught to be afraid of such things because they were afraid of female power. Do not give up on your beliefs. They are not wrong, they are beautiful. I love you." and that was it. I no longer had a sense of her.

I had fleeting moments of fear off and on for a week or so afterward but I quickly felt sure in knowing that what I believe spiritually is not wrong. I see no boundaries in spirituality and sexuality. So how could this be wrong? Of course Alysia would know there is no one path to God, there is no gender, race, social class where she was that night she came to me. Today I wear an amethyst stone for spiritual protection and awareness on top of my gold crucifix necklace. I don't care that it seems contradictory, because I see them as complimentary.

That was one of my first forays down the road of blaming myself for her death. There were others.

Terra and the days before the viewings

I should start off by saying that the other night I was up for most of it after having bad dreams.I wondered if this blog was a good idea, was it too soon to write about Alysia's death and my journey through grieving? However, I came to the conclusion I am to continue on with the blog, no matter how hard it is at times.

I've been journaling since the day after we buried Alysia which has been a great help in processing the grief. However leading up to then will have to be from memory and it is quite wonky. The days are a blur, time stands still yet goes at the speed of light all at the same time. I've realized since her passing that life is full of irreconcilable opposites or I guess that would be called dichotomies. Divine dichotomies even.

The few days leading up to the "viewings" were awful. Between picking out a casket, the plot, the flowers, pictures for the picture boards, digital pictures for the screen,doing the obituary and on and on it went were at once horrible and therapeutic. It kept my ex husband (Tom) and I busy. We were able to numb ourselves to get through this process. We had spent a night together reminiscing and sharing our pain. We were always friends after the separation but this brought us much closer as friends. Two people who have lost their only child. The child for who we stuck out our marriage for 20 years. That child now brought us back together in circumstances so difficult that we could either have hated each other or allowed ourselves to bond closer as friends. Luckily we were both on the same page. We needed each other to be on the same page for who else can understand our loss like each other does?

My fear of the viewings were so intense I almost asked that it be closed casket because I did not want the image of her in a casket be so engraved in my memory that it overwhelmed 20 years of other memories. Logically this does not make sense but at the time logic makes not a lick of difference. I was scared to death.

My cat Terra was our little family's buddy. When we were together, Tom, Alysia and I, Terra didn't have a favorite. She loved us all equally. She is an amazing cat with lots of character. However when Alysia was home we could always find Terra hanging with her in her bedroom. Terra was Alysia's buddy and vice versa. Of course Alysia moved out to be with her boyfriend, Tom and I separated and so I kept the cats.

During the days leading up to the viewings in my paralyzing fear moments I would cry so hard I could hardly breath, I would feel as though my heart would simply stop from the sheer heart break I was feeling. I did not know how my body could endure such horrid fear and heartbreak. Terra would always come up to me as soon as she knew I was crying and comfort me. Yes animals do this but sometimes before I would start crying she would seem disoriented, confused.It was like she was watching something in the room move around. I think she sensed Alysia, maybe even saw her. She would comfort me in ways that were not her usual behavior. She wasn't scared or upset, just different. She would then seem like her normal Terra self when I was done my breakdown. As if she accomplished what she needed to accomplish.

Some people may not believe in these things but I believed that Alysia was using Terra to comfort me. Katie noticed a difference in her behavior as well...especially the confused behavior. I often asked Katie (and still do) am I crazy? Am I just a desperate grieving mother holding onto signs that aren't really there? But she always assures me that she could tell I knew the difference between real signs and not making things into signs when they really weren't. This conversation comes up over and over again.

Knowing that Alysia was using Terra some how to comfort me gave me hope that Alysia was ok, that she was in a place that allowed her more freedom to be where she needed to be. It gave me confirmation of an after life. Sometimes I still have doubts and question signs but I suppose that is a good thing so I don't go crazy looking for her everywhere.

I finally want to say a thank you from the bottom of my heart to Tom (Tomi) for not being bitter towards our relationship situation and especially for being another source of support and comfort. You are an amazing man and friend. Hang in there Tomi, there is hope.

Trish