One final post, our tribute and my dream

When I began this blog, I felt that I would write about my first year and then end it.  I wasn't sure a month or so ago if I was ready to end this blog but I do feel that it is time to do so.  I plan on starting another blog about the subject of living simply and I am sure there will be mention of Alysia and my ongoing ways of coping with my grief.  Just because one year has passed does not mean that I am done grieving but I am ready to turn my writing to something more creative, more beautiful, all the while honoring Alysia's memory.

Having said that, here is my final post on my one year journey.  On July 25th, 2012 (the one year mark) a bunch of us got together at Alysia's grave site.  We brought a bunch of helium balloons and we each wrote a message to Alysia on them.

We chose bright and cheery balloons to honor her first "Heaven Day".  I found this term "Heaven Day" when googling for a better way to say "date of death" shortly after Alysia died. I liked it...as much as one can like such a term under the circumstances.

The odd thing was the wind picked up rather intensely while we were signing the balloons and getting ready to release them.  We all held onto the strings because it was sooo windy. On my balloon I drew my infamous cats one of Cido and one of Dobby.  Alysia and Tomi used to say my drawn cats always looked "stoned, scared and sad" all at the same time.  What do you think?

 Holding on tight to the balloons in the wind. You can see my Dobby cat on my yellow balloon below.

About ready to release.

Just as we released them a sadness came over all of us.  That moment was so powerful emotionally.  It was for me at least, a mix of a sense of such loss, and oddly, such freedom.  I wasn't sure what I was feeling from one second to the next.

I was amazed at how far they were going.  The wind carried them up so high and so far.

After a while they were so small we couldn't see them.  Alysia's balloons went on a journey heavenward, out of our sight, just like she did. Then the wind died down.

So there it was, that one year mark here and gone.  They say sometimes the second year is harder than the first in a different way.  They say because the emotions aren't as intense and don't take over as much anymore that you now have time to really reflect on your loss.  Apparently depression is quite common in the second year. Since I do not claim to know what will happen in the second year, or the third or the next 20, I will just wait and see.  What I can say is that right now, I do feel better.  I have healed, not completely, but enough to want to continue to heal, to live, to enjoy life.

I have learned a lot about myself, my family, my friends in this past year.  I have learned how blessed I am, despite my loss. I have learned more patience, I have relearned my true self, I have rediscovered my passions, I have embarked on a new journey.  However, I was still feeling doubts, fear and a sense of abandonment.  I hadn't had many "signs" from Alysia lately and I hadn't dreamed of her in several months.  It was truly bothering me.  I felt like she had left me completely.  Not only did she die on this physical plane but she also left me on the spiritual plane and that scared me.

Yet, the other night I had a lucid dream.  A dream that I know was real in a different plane...the spiritual plane.  I won't go into details too much because they would be nonsensical to most but I will let you know the gist.  Alysia came to me in dreamtime.  She was so beautiful, she was smiling from ear to ear and very playful with me.  Teasing me with her otherwordly knowledge, and smirking at my confusion at times during this "dream".  Basically she told me that everything is ok, that everything will be ok.  but she couldn't tell me everything. She told me I had to stop wasting my energy worrying about what will happen when I die or if I will ever see her again. She told me and her Dad, in my dream the same things.  "don't worry...I'm ok. everything will be ok, trust in me, trust in God." She also told me she knew everything about science, she also played a trick on me in my dream which told me there was no time/space constraints where she was.  All of these things were so profound, so reassuring, and brought me a sense of peace.  She told me to believe in God...and like her true self she was also telling me to do something mundane by requesting that I return certain items to Josh and her.  It seemed so silly to me that she would ask me to do something like this when she was conveying so much spiritual and profound information to me but I will do as she asks :)

This reminds me of her in my dream.  Playful and happy, yet elusive and going somewhere unknown to me but known to her.  This was taken of her skipping through the streets of London, England.

I have been told a few times by people who have lost loved ones that they had received messages from their loved ones reassuring them they were ok around the one year mark.  I kept that in mind at the beginning but began to lose hope because I wasn't dreaming of Alysia for a long time.  This dream was totally unexpected and real.

It saddens me to think there are people out there who don't believe in the spiritual plane or God.  I mean those who are religious in their denial of God.(Not those who say "I just don't know".  I don't understand why people can't see how science and spirituality complement each other...oh well, each to their own.  God will be there to receive us all, believers and non-believers.  I have had my doubts, believe me, but this dream did something in my brain and my heart.  It came from Alysia who knows.  She is there; She knows.

With that, I leave this blog on the internet to help whoever needs help in their grieving of a loved one, in particular, a child. For those who stumble across this, feel free to leave a message as I will continue to receive comments. I thank everyone who has read my blog over the past year.  You all mean so much to me.

Love,

Trish

Approaching July 25th: Alysia's first "Heaven Day"

I begin writing this one year mark blog entry almost a week before the actual date.  Yesterday while at the gravesite watering Alysia's and her nanny's flowers I expressed to Katie that I have been feeling rather numb whenever I think of Alysia this week.  That numbness was scaring me on so many levels.  Was it denial kicking in? Was it my brain protecting my heart? Was I forgetting Alysia? Was this what healing feels like?  I didn't like it one bit and was causing me some anxiety all week.  I don't want numbness to mean I am healing.  I am a passionate person who feels so much.  I don't want to end up being someone completely different than who I was before Alysia passed away.  I know that I will "never be the same" but I don't want to be numb.I still want that passionate side of me to remain.

As soon as I shared that with Katie at the gravesite, I cried and cried and spoke to Alysia aloud, still wishing I could hold her close to me.  When I say these things during these moments of crying/mourning I find myself surprised that after "so much" time I still desire to be able to hold her.  It surprises me that my brain still can't wrap itself around the idea that I will never be able to hold her again, on this plane at least. I constantly analyze all of my feelings and how they relate to Alysia's death.

In moments of happiness I ask: What is making me happy despite my grief? How long has this happiness been lasting? Is this moment of happiness happening more often? Is it lasting longer? Have I made a mental note of what is causing me to be happy so I can go back to that in times of sadness? And yes I still feel a tinge of guilt when I realize I've been having a happy moment.

In moments of sadness, I tend to question it less because it's more obvious but I do ask: How long since I've had a crying spell like this? Are they becoming less frequent?  Is this moment feeling less intense?

In numbness I ask the questions I mentioned above.

In anger, I ask: Am I really angry at what is happening right now (unrelated to Alysia's death) or am I just angry with my grief, my losses?

In anxiety I ask: Why am I afraid? How does this anxiety relate to my "grief anxiety" (as I call it). Is it the same or is it different?

My brain never rests but I feel this is what is helping me heal.  How can a person heal if they don't know what is causing the dis-ease?  How can a person treat the dis-ease if they don't know what makes it better.  Conscious awareness of all thoughts and emotions is vital despite it being exhausting and annoying at times.

The other day, I put my hand on a co-worker's belly.  She is pregnant and has a beautiful baby bump.  I asked if I could touch her belly.  At that very moment a flood of emotions hit me but I did not show it.  First I felt very sad, then I felt very guilty for feeling sad.  This wasn't about me, it was about her joy and excitement.  Then I felt very afraid.  The fear stuck with me for a long time.  I felt I may have "cursed" her baby somehow.  That because I lost my child, that by touching her belly, I may have passed on my shitty luck onto her.  I struggled with this for a long time.  I know it is absurd but I don't know if I will touch her baby bump again, just to be sure.

These are the emotions that run through a grieving mother's mind.  These are the rational and irrational thoughts. They linger a long time.  It's been almost a year and my brain still struggles with it all.

Since my last blog post, good things have happened.  We bought a place and have moved into it a few weeks ago.  It's not fancy, it's not big but it's home.  It is surrounded by good neighbors, surrounded by trees and birds and squirrels and chipmunks.  I'm living with my love in a home we love.  Katie's parents came for a few day visit from Ontario and I finally got to meet them! We adopted a cat who we've named Dobby. She is a bit feral but is slowly coming around. She is our baby.  Physically she reminds us so much of Terra but she is not like Terra at all. She is her own cute self and we are blessed to have her in our lives. We love our jobs and are grateful for not just the job itself but for the people we work with and the little perks we get through our jobs.

Our baby, Dobby (our house elf) who's personality is much like Dobby from Harry Potter :)

Today I received a nice homemade card from two coworkers/friends showing they were thinking of me at this one year mark coming up.  They gave me a gift certificate to one of our favorite restaurants.  I said to Katie when I told her about the card and gift that I feel as though, despite my unimaginable loss and other losses throughout my life, I feel so blessed for the life I have because of the friends and family in our lives and the jobs we have.  It is as if my heart still has a hole in it but grows(my heart) with feelings of love and gratitude. Is this the new me?  This I am willing to accept. I know the hole, that is Alysia's absence, will never disappear but if my heart can continue to grow with love and gratitude, this will bring me peace... with a hole in it.

Although our new home has no memories of Alysia attached with it, I have created a sacred space outside in the yard that invokes her presence some how.  I love this little space with the garden gnome from my soul sister Suzy, a crystal that Alysia owned and a fern that I have had for a long time ( I dug it out of our garden in Fairview when we moved and have dragged it with us, every move, ever since. I plan to put it in the ground at this home) and feathers I keep finding. This space feels like Alysia even though there is no picture of her and nothing of hers other than the crystal.  I have managed to bring her energy into our new space and this makes me very happy.  I don't know what I will do in the winter when it's all covered in snow but I'll come up with something I'm sure.

After seeing how long this blog entry is, I will blog again next week about the one year mark.