Nobody panic...I'm just having a panic attack.

It is 8 1/2 months since Alysia passed away and dusk time still unsettles me. Since I have been getting really tired of this dusk anxiety I mentioned it to Katie again and we were trying to figure out why this was happening.  Why wouldn't it be 6am when we heard the doorbell ring on July 25th, to open the door to two policemen, about to tell me Alysia died?  Why not 6am?  What does dusk have to do with any of this story?  Why such anxiety?  The only thing I could come up with was, the day before I was going about my life just fine, I was happy, at dusk I was settling down for another evening of relaxation and had no real worries, except that I had to get to bed by a certain time because I had to work the next day.  Life was good, life was simple. Yet the next morning my life was completely shaken, life was not good...in fact life was bad.  So I wonder if my dusk anxiety comes from me not trusting that naivety anymore.  It's like "yeah today was a good day or a decent day or whatever but what will tomorrow bring?"  Dusk is the time I wind down for the day, I have time to think.  At 6am I am sleeping and shortly thereafter I am too busy getting ready for work.

I felt that if my worst anxiety is my "dusk anxiety" then I'm doing pretty good.  I can get through this and I'm banking on the fact that knowing the reason will help me conquer it sooner rather than later. However...Suddenly, out of the blue, I am getting severe panic attacks.  It started when we found out Terra was dying due to cancer.  The emotions of grieving were brought back to the surface. When we brought her to the vet to be put to sleep I was extremely traumatized .  We were in the room with her and we watched her die.  The overwhelming grief and guilt took over me immediately.

Somehow the grief, shock and trauma of Terra lessened the grieving of Alysia and that too shocked me and made me feel guilty.  I realized that my whole life does not revolve around my grief for Alysia, there are other things in my life that need attention, bad...and good things.  As time went by...a few days, the grief lessened. I came to terms that we did the right thing for Terra and she wasn't suffering anymore.  The realization that my grief for Alysia was overshadowed by some traumatic events made me feel like I understood a very important lessen...life moves on.  Bad things happen but so can good things and it is ok for me to move on with life.

So I'm feeling pretty good about this insight but flashes of Terra being put to sleep would creep into my mind and visions of Alysia in the coffin wouldn't be far behind but I acknowledged them and moved on...or so I thought.  I was having lunch at work and suddenly I felt light headed and couldn't breathe, I remembered this feeling, I've had anxiety attacks before, mostly in my 20's but throughout the years as well and so I remembered how to talk myself out of it. "Just breathe...it's an anxiety attack...you're ok..." and that normally stops them, but not that time.  My technique wasn't working.  It kept escalating in my mind until it got to the point I had to run out of the lunch room to get fresh air and calm myself down.  We weren't talking about anything that triggered it, it just came on.

Then yesterday Katie and I went for a walk, a few minutes into it I began to lose my vision and I knew I was getting a migraine.  We had to cut the walk short and go back to the car.  In the car, half my vision gone, I began to also get a panic attack.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't tell reality from dream, my heart was pounding out of my chest, I couldn't see and I was nauseous.  Katie pulled into a Needs store to get me something to drink and as soon as she left the car the panic escalated to the point where I was convinced it was my last few moments on this earth.  I was sure she would come back to the car and find me dead or unconscious at best. I kept saying to myself "you're ok, you're ok, just breathe, just breathe" but the more I tried to breathe the dizzier I became and the closer to passing out...or dying (in my mind) I was getting.

It took all I had to keep it together in there.  My vision normally returns after 20 minutes or so with a migraine but it wasn't coming back.  We drove home and by the time we pulled up in front of the apartment my hands were numb, I felt like my body was slowly shutting down.  Katie guides me to inside and once inside I felt as though I was in a dream.  I could hear her talking to me, trying to talk me through it but she seemed so far away which made me panic more.  I eventually burst into tears from the fear and said "I MISS ALYSIA SO MUCH! I MISS TERRA SO MUCH!"  All the losses caught up to me these past couple of weeks in a physical way.

 It's just been too much hurt lately and my body is crapping out on me.  I am physically exhausted and have been for quite a while. My exhaustion is to the point that I have dreams that I lay down on the ground or in the middle of the street and just sleep from exhaustion.  I dream about sleeping in my sleep, as if by doing that I am doubling the healing power of sleep.

Somehow though I found some fuel to run on but now the engine is running out of fuel and things are sputtering in the form of migraines, stomach issues and panic attacks.  I have to have good things happen to refuel.  I have to CREATE good things to refuel myself.  I can't keep going this way, pushing myself through the sadness and hurt without refueling. I have to remember my realization that life goes on good or bad despite my grief, I have to choose the good. I deserve the good. I need the good. It might just be migraines, stomach problems and panic attacks now but if I don't get my life back to a steady happy joyful place it can manifest in much worse physical illnesses.

There is a fine line between suppressing emotions of grief and allowing them to run your life.  I want to learn to find joy without putting so much pressure on myself to do so. The biggest lessen for me is truly believing I deserve good things, good feelings, happiness and love. Yet I know I am getting there, I now see myself say no to situations or people that cause me stress or grief.  I see myself sifting through what brings me joy and what doesn't. I see myself being much more careful what thoughts I allow in my head or what words escape my mouth or hands when I type.  I see myself close off to the negativity outside of me and in me.

  It is sometimes a slow process, an imperfect process or even a painful process but it's a process bringing me closer to what I know my life should be.  A life where I truly understand that nothing of this world is permanent.  I could get depressed and not get too attached to anything or anyone and decide not to love (which believe me the thought has crossed my mind a few times) OR I could just love with such abandon because I know that our experience here is temporary but the love is permanent. Either way, we leave without the physical so in choosing to love, I can at least bring that with me to the other side.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

From the time Alysia was born to about the second year I worked in retail, I always prayed for a white Christmas.  Before retail had ruined me for Christmas, I wanted so badly the quintessential Norman Rockwell Christmas.  I wanted the scene to be like Thomas Kinkade's Christmas paintings with snow covered trees, skaters on a pond, warm glowing light streaming from the windows of a cottage in the middle of a quaint town setting.  For weeks I would obsessively check the weather network to see what the forecast was going to be for the week of Christmas.  I would get so mad if it was rain or fog and would get excited if I saw snowflakes.  I recall maybe 2 or 3 Christmases with snow in the past 20 years.  Maybe there were more while I worked in retail but by that point I hated Christmas so much I probably didn't notice.

The few weeks leading up to Christmas this year were horrible.  The anticipation of spending Christmas without Alysia caused me so much sadness, plus there was so much other drama, on top of the grieving process, it was so hard to cope.  I cried often at home, broke down at work a few times and had panic attacks in stores when trying to shop for Christmas.

One day I was at Superstore on Tuesday (student discount day) trying to get supplies for baking.  It was crowded with students and regular shoppers, the baking supplies were wiped out, and Christmas music was blaring.  I was feeling tears building up behind my eyes and that sensation started a panic attack and anger, so I left without most of what I needed and hopped on my bike to go home.  I was so angry and sad I didn't care if I got hit by a car on my bike.  I rode past three "sketchy" looking young men on Brunswick street and thought to myself I didn't care if one of them would jump me and kill me.  I just didn't care.  I wanted Christmas and the drama and the grieving to disappear.  As I rode past these guys, the middle one lifted an arm in my direction and...waved and said "Merry Christmas!" to me.  I said "to you too!" and I laughed at myself and I was angry and I was sad all at the same time.

I assumed these guys were bad and maybe they were any other time but this guy meant his Christmas greeting.  It wasn't sarcastic, it was genuine. The other two guys looked at him confused then looked at me with indifference.  It seemed out of character for him, if the other two guys body language told me right.  I laughed at myself for being so bitter, I laughed at God for pointing out how bitter I was.  I wondered if God touched this guy's heart to do this. I said to God "OK OK I got it." I walked in the door of the apartment and cried on Katie's shoulder for over an hour.

Christmas eve Katie, my mother and I went to Alysia's gravesite to put a wreath for her. It was freezing up there and we were standing in snow so I felt rushed to leave.  I felt horrible that I couldn't truly connect with my grief of Alysia not being with us for Christmas because I was constantly pulled in directions that weren't going towards her. Family drama and the general busy-ness of Christmas kept me away from her.

Christmas day we opened our gifts and then I started to get Christmas dinner ready...again no time for grieving, things needed to get done.  During Christmas dinner I sat  at one point while strained conversation was going on around me and looked out the window onto Brunswick St.  The curtains to our huge windows were open and I wondered when the poor people of the neighborhood walked by, would they feel sad and angry because they weren't sitting around a table of good food and family like what it looked like we were doing in our place.  From the outside, our little gathering would seem so "Norman Rockwell" like.  The Victorian windows, the beautiful tree with the pretty lights would look so "Thomas Kinkade" like.  They wouldn't know about us having lost our daughter-granddaughter, they wouldn't know about the drama. It goes to show how outer appearances are deceiving.

I then thought how I hadn't had time to really feel the absence of my daughter, my beautiful Alysia.  I started to get sad while gazing out the window and then I saw snow flakes coming down so gently, so beautifully.  I felt I was being embraced by Alysia, by God.  I felt like Alysia was giving me a gift of snow I wanted so badly for years upon years. For 5 seconds I was with Alysia and God in a complete state of peace and joy and then I was pulled back to the dinner table.

Today I wrote Alysia a nice long letter in my journal.  I was finally able to connect with her for longer than 5 seconds at a time.  Oddly enough I didn't find myself crying but found myself wishing her a beautiful day and found myself feeling strength and determination to get through the New Year. Things are changing around me and in me. I am a different person now. I have my bitter moments but I refuse to be a bitter character in general. In order to do this I need to weed out some of the negative influences in my life, this is my new year resolution. 

It is sad that Alysia's facebook only has 2 Christmas greetings, one from me and one from Katie.  I know people have been busy.  I've been busy.  It's sad though that this happens. Her dad is not on facebook anymore and Josh was away so I know they couldn't post on her wall. Part of my New Year's resolution to weed out negative things is to not do a Christmas like this next year.  Next year I will be going away, either to Ontario with Katie if we can afford it or just going away somewhere quiet...just Katie and I and Alysia's spirit.

Is it Strength, Denial or Hypocrisy?

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
Eleanor Roosevelt

I have received many messages in my inbox since I started writing this blog.  So many of you have written me to say how you admire my strength.  I have had people say I inspire them. I have had others tell me I inspired them to find their spiritual path. Some have said I give them comfort with the grieving of their lost ones.

Those messages seem to always come at a time when I need to read them the most.  I write these blog entries when I am feeling strong.  I write when I think what I have to say will help others but let me tell you all something...it is rare that I do not cry at least a little everyday for my beautiful daughter.  In fact I decided I needed to write this particular blog right now....right at this particular moment of complete despair.

I previously wanted to avoid doing this because I don't want to give the impression this blog is for me to get attention or to get pity from people. I don't want this to become an "emo" blog. However when I read the emails I get from you I feel somewhat like a hypocrite. I don't deny I have my strong moments but I don't want you to think that I'm so strong that I don't have weak moments.

In fact, prior to this I was a strong independent type.  Now I lean heavily on Katie. Before I was fairly fearless, now I am afraid of dusk...not the dark but dusk.  The dark I sleep through.  Dusk, that in between time, scares me.  I become anxious and sad at dusk. Before my head was always in the future.  Now the future scares me.  I want to move on but am afraid to without Alysia. Thunderstorms make me uneasy. Sirens make me anxious.

The past couple of weeks with the shortening days have really affected me.  The last few nights I feel as though I have slipped backwards.  If you only knew how I lie in the bed crying so hard that I stop breathing.  How I cry so hard my heart physically aches.  If you only knew how during those moments I just don't want to go on. Does that sound like a strong person?  When I have these moments of hopelessness I wonder what the hell it was I was feeling before when I wasn't feeling so bad.  Was it strength?  Or was it just plain denial?  Am I able to fool myself enough to think I can get through life now that Alysia has passed away?  Am I that delusional?  When I lay in bed crying to the point of coming close to passing out, I don't see the light.  I don't see the hope. I don't see the love.  It is complete darkness. Sometimes I cry so hard my vision goes dark and I think to myself "is this what it's like to die? If so bring it on."

I'm sure this is not a blog entry many of you want to read but it is the reality of my grief.  I have moments when I want to die just so the pain can go away and I can go see my daughter again.  That's all I want in those moments.  I just want her back.

One night I had to go get groceries and it was dusk out and Katie wasn't feeling well.  I wanted to help Katie for a change because she's been doing so much for me. When I have those moments of darkness, she is there holding my hand, talking to me, loving me.  When I open my eyes, I see her blue eyes and feel her hand and hear her voice and she slowly pulls me out of the darkness over and over, night after night. Anyway so I wanted to do something for her.  I walked outside the apartment door and saw the dusk sky and I was very afraid.  I had a choice....I could go back in the apartment and tell Katie I couldn't do it or I could face my fear and go on.  Just make it to the parking garage, I would say to myself.  Once in the parking garage, afraid of being jumped or something ridiculous like that I would think, just make it into the car.  Once in the car and out in the dark, driving through the neighborhood I would say "just make it to the grocery store."  I drove and hyperventilated and cried and asked God and Alysia for strength.  I made it to the grocery store still hyperventilating.  Once I was in there a few moments I was ok.  The trip home wasn't as bad.

As dark as my moments are, I face them head on.  I will not mask them with antidepressants or anti anxiety pills. I know I am the type of person that needs to hit this grief fully conscious, fully vulnerable.  I will not drink myself into oblivion.  I will not allow it to stop me from doing what I have to do to survive in this world. Really what choice do I have?  My heart still beats so I guess I have to keep going.  Anyone of you would do the same. We find the strength somewhere.

True courage and strength isn't in the survival of losing my only child.  True courage and strength is living life to its fullest in joy and love even if I lost my only child...that is where I am struggling.  That is where I have my ups and downs.  One moment I am optimistic for the future, the next I don't want to go on without Alysia in my life. The last few days, being sick, shortening days and other reasons really brought me to a low I haven't felt since the first week she passed away. Despite this set back, I will face these moments.  Each time I do, I hope to get stronger so that I'm not just surviving, rather,so that I am fully living.

Thank you everyone for your notes of encouragement.  They pull me through more than you realize.