One final post, our tribute and my dream

When I began this blog, I felt that I would write about my first year and then end it.  I wasn't sure a month or so ago if I was ready to end this blog but I do feel that it is time to do so.  I plan on starting another blog about the subject of living simply and I am sure there will be mention of Alysia and my ongoing ways of coping with my grief.  Just because one year has passed does not mean that I am done grieving but I am ready to turn my writing to something more creative, more beautiful, all the while honoring Alysia's memory.

Having said that, here is my final post on my one year journey.  On July 25th, 2012 (the one year mark) a bunch of us got together at Alysia's grave site.  We brought a bunch of helium balloons and we each wrote a message to Alysia on them.

We chose bright and cheery balloons to honor her first "Heaven Day".  I found this term "Heaven Day" when googling for a better way to say "date of death" shortly after Alysia died. I liked it...as much as one can like such a term under the circumstances.

The odd thing was the wind picked up rather intensely while we were signing the balloons and getting ready to release them.  We all held onto the strings because it was sooo windy. On my balloon I drew my infamous cats one of Cido and one of Dobby.  Alysia and Tomi used to say my drawn cats always looked "stoned, scared and sad" all at the same time.  What do you think?

 Holding on tight to the balloons in the wind. You can see my Dobby cat on my yellow balloon below.

About ready to release.

Just as we released them a sadness came over all of us.  That moment was so powerful emotionally.  It was for me at least, a mix of a sense of such loss, and oddly, such freedom.  I wasn't sure what I was feeling from one second to the next.

I was amazed at how far they were going.  The wind carried them up so high and so far.

After a while they were so small we couldn't see them.  Alysia's balloons went on a journey heavenward, out of our sight, just like she did. Then the wind died down.

So there it was, that one year mark here and gone.  They say sometimes the second year is harder than the first in a different way.  They say because the emotions aren't as intense and don't take over as much anymore that you now have time to really reflect on your loss.  Apparently depression is quite common in the second year. Since I do not claim to know what will happen in the second year, or the third or the next 20, I will just wait and see.  What I can say is that right now, I do feel better.  I have healed, not completely, but enough to want to continue to heal, to live, to enjoy life.

I have learned a lot about myself, my family, my friends in this past year.  I have learned how blessed I am, despite my loss. I have learned more patience, I have relearned my true self, I have rediscovered my passions, I have embarked on a new journey.  However, I was still feeling doubts, fear and a sense of abandonment.  I hadn't had many "signs" from Alysia lately and I hadn't dreamed of her in several months.  It was truly bothering me.  I felt like she had left me completely.  Not only did she die on this physical plane but she also left me on the spiritual plane and that scared me.

Yet, the other night I had a lucid dream.  A dream that I know was real in a different plane...the spiritual plane.  I won't go into details too much because they would be nonsensical to most but I will let you know the gist.  Alysia came to me in dreamtime.  She was so beautiful, she was smiling from ear to ear and very playful with me.  Teasing me with her otherwordly knowledge, and smirking at my confusion at times during this "dream".  Basically she told me that everything is ok, that everything will be ok.  but she couldn't tell me everything. She told me I had to stop wasting my energy worrying about what will happen when I die or if I will ever see her again. She told me and her Dad, in my dream the same things.  "don't worry...I'm ok. everything will be ok, trust in me, trust in God." She also told me she knew everything about science, she also played a trick on me in my dream which told me there was no time/space constraints where she was.  All of these things were so profound, so reassuring, and brought me a sense of peace.  She told me to believe in God...and like her true self she was also telling me to do something mundane by requesting that I return certain items to Josh and her.  It seemed so silly to me that she would ask me to do something like this when she was conveying so much spiritual and profound information to me but I will do as she asks :)

This reminds me of her in my dream.  Playful and happy, yet elusive and going somewhere unknown to me but known to her.  This was taken of her skipping through the streets of London, England.

I have been told a few times by people who have lost loved ones that they had received messages from their loved ones reassuring them they were ok around the one year mark.  I kept that in mind at the beginning but began to lose hope because I wasn't dreaming of Alysia for a long time.  This dream was totally unexpected and real.

It saddens me to think there are people out there who don't believe in the spiritual plane or God.  I mean those who are religious in their denial of God.(Not those who say "I just don't know".  I don't understand why people can't see how science and spirituality complement each other...oh well, each to their own.  God will be there to receive us all, believers and non-believers.  I have had my doubts, believe me, but this dream did something in my brain and my heart.  It came from Alysia who knows.  She is there; She knows.

With that, I leave this blog on the internet to help whoever needs help in their grieving of a loved one, in particular, a child. For those who stumble across this, feel free to leave a message as I will continue to receive comments. I thank everyone who has read my blog over the past year.  You all mean so much to me.

Love,

Trish

"Your library will shake itself apart"

I have what seems like a contradictory collection of books. I have books on Christianity (Catholicism in particular), paganism (wicca and druidry and shamanism), books on New Age, herbalism, natural healing and other subjects. When someone looks at my shelf they will see "Witch's Kitchen" next to one of many versions of the bible I own. Tom used to say the book cases were going to shake themselves apart from some sort of spiritual warfare on the shelves. Most of the world wants you to make a choice on a specific "religion" or "spiritual path", most of the world can not see the truths in all of them. I felt many times forced in one direction or another until I gave up on all of it and buried my spiritual side for a few years. It wasn't until recently I began to allow that to come back. Was that for a reason? I think so.

I believe religions complement each other. I don't believe they are exclusive. Alysia was also recently taking interest in the spiritual world and took a course at Dal in Witchcraft I believe. Even though she had a scientific mind and wanted to study chemistry, she also was starting to think it impossible for this planet, this universe to be an accident. There had to be some sort of intelligent design behind it all. She wasn't clear, she wasn't sure but she was beginning to question. I was happy to see this unfolding.

However someone during the days of getting ready for the viewings was in our apartment and spied my books on the shelf and proceeded to preach that those who dabble with the occult bring misfortune to themselves and others around them. My heart sank, fear set in. I didn't hear much after this. This person was supposed to be there to comfort us but instead left me in a state of paralyzing fear.

I joke a lot about my other cat Cido as being really stunned. Well he is. He gets by on his looks I say. But that day, he watched this person intensely from a distance. Cido wouldn't come out when normally he is a friendly cat. I would glance at him and he was staring down this person. I felt Cido was my little guardian at that time.

When it was just me and Katie and the cats in the apartment that evening, I was in such a state of fear. I was believing I had caused my daughter to pass away due to my reading and practicing non-Christian things. I really felt that I was being punished for my lifestyle. As if God Himself saw my books and knew my beliefs in my heart and punished me by taking my only child. I was a complete mess. I was convinced it was all my fault. I was convinced I was evil.

Katie would say to me "no evil can come out of such a beautiful soul. How can you be evil when you see such beauty in the world?" I was so scared I wanted to burn my books, throw out my stones, be rid of anything that wasn't remotely Christian.

I cried and cried for a very long time that evening. It was one of my worst evenings. Later that night I woke up and sensed Alysia lying next to me. I "heard" in my heart. "He is just afraid mom. He was taught to be afraid of such things because they were afraid of female power. Do not give up on your beliefs. They are not wrong, they are beautiful. I love you." and that was it. I no longer had a sense of her.

I had fleeting moments of fear off and on for a week or so afterward but I quickly felt sure in knowing that what I believe spiritually is not wrong. I see no boundaries in spirituality and sexuality. So how could this be wrong? Of course Alysia would know there is no one path to God, there is no gender, race, social class where she was that night she came to me. Today I wear an amethyst stone for spiritual protection and awareness on top of my gold crucifix necklace. I don't care that it seems contradictory, because I see them as complimentary.

That was one of my first forays down the road of blaming myself for her death. There were others.