Follow up post

Grief doesn't end in one year, over 20 months later and I still cry almost every day for Alysia.  However, I want anyone who finds this blog to know that somehow life does go on. If you're curious to know how I am doing now, I have a  new blog.  It is new as of the date I write this but you will see that I still grieve my beautiful daughter but I also live.  I want to experience joy again, I want to laugh, I want to love and I want to remember Alysia and honor her by living a happy life.

To those who may be experiencing grief now, just know that it will never go away.  The hole will always be there, the tears will always flow but in between those times you will find joy again.  You can love again, you can live again, you can have fun again.  Don't be afraid, you are not dishonoring your loved one by even hoping what I wrote will be true for you some day.  I still experience guilt that I am not crying 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I worry I am dishonoring Alysia's life but no...it would be a dishonor to not allow good things to happen, to not allow happy emotions to heal us, to not allow love to fill up some of that void in our hearts.  I don't think Alysia would want me to still be crying over her non-stop.  Sometimes when I do cry, I almost here her saying to me "c'mon it's been almost 2 years, please don't cry for me anymore"

So here is my new blog address.  If you are curious, feel free to stop in and follow me through what currently gives me joy, what currently heals my heart and what currently I am feeling...the good and the sad.

http://simplylusciouslife.blogspot.ca/

Trish

One final post, our tribute and my dream

When I began this blog, I felt that I would write about my first year and then end it.  I wasn't sure a month or so ago if I was ready to end this blog but I do feel that it is time to do so.  I plan on starting another blog about the subject of living simply and I am sure there will be mention of Alysia and my ongoing ways of coping with my grief.  Just because one year has passed does not mean that I am done grieving but I am ready to turn my writing to something more creative, more beautiful, all the while honoring Alysia's memory.

Having said that, here is my final post on my one year journey.  On July 25th, 2012 (the one year mark) a bunch of us got together at Alysia's grave site.  We brought a bunch of helium balloons and we each wrote a message to Alysia on them.

We chose bright and cheery balloons to honor her first "Heaven Day".  I found this term "Heaven Day" when googling for a better way to say "date of death" shortly after Alysia died. I liked it...as much as one can like such a term under the circumstances.

The odd thing was the wind picked up rather intensely while we were signing the balloons and getting ready to release them.  We all held onto the strings because it was sooo windy. On my balloon I drew my infamous cats one of Cido and one of Dobby.  Alysia and Tomi used to say my drawn cats always looked "stoned, scared and sad" all at the same time.  What do you think?

 Holding on tight to the balloons in the wind. You can see my Dobby cat on my yellow balloon below.

About ready to release.

Just as we released them a sadness came over all of us.  That moment was so powerful emotionally.  It was for me at least, a mix of a sense of such loss, and oddly, such freedom.  I wasn't sure what I was feeling from one second to the next.

I was amazed at how far they were going.  The wind carried them up so high and so far.

After a while they were so small we couldn't see them.  Alysia's balloons went on a journey heavenward, out of our sight, just like she did. Then the wind died down.

So there it was, that one year mark here and gone.  They say sometimes the second year is harder than the first in a different way.  They say because the emotions aren't as intense and don't take over as much anymore that you now have time to really reflect on your loss.  Apparently depression is quite common in the second year. Since I do not claim to know what will happen in the second year, or the third or the next 20, I will just wait and see.  What I can say is that right now, I do feel better.  I have healed, not completely, but enough to want to continue to heal, to live, to enjoy life.

I have learned a lot about myself, my family, my friends in this past year.  I have learned how blessed I am, despite my loss. I have learned more patience, I have relearned my true self, I have rediscovered my passions, I have embarked on a new journey.  However, I was still feeling doubts, fear and a sense of abandonment.  I hadn't had many "signs" from Alysia lately and I hadn't dreamed of her in several months.  It was truly bothering me.  I felt like she had left me completely.  Not only did she die on this physical plane but she also left me on the spiritual plane and that scared me.

Yet, the other night I had a lucid dream.  A dream that I know was real in a different plane...the spiritual plane.  I won't go into details too much because they would be nonsensical to most but I will let you know the gist.  Alysia came to me in dreamtime.  She was so beautiful, she was smiling from ear to ear and very playful with me.  Teasing me with her otherwordly knowledge, and smirking at my confusion at times during this "dream".  Basically she told me that everything is ok, that everything will be ok.  but she couldn't tell me everything. She told me I had to stop wasting my energy worrying about what will happen when I die or if I will ever see her again. She told me and her Dad, in my dream the same things.  "don't worry...I'm ok. everything will be ok, trust in me, trust in God." She also told me she knew everything about science, she also played a trick on me in my dream which told me there was no time/space constraints where she was.  All of these things were so profound, so reassuring, and brought me a sense of peace.  She told me to believe in God...and like her true self she was also telling me to do something mundane by requesting that I return certain items to Josh and her.  It seemed so silly to me that she would ask me to do something like this when she was conveying so much spiritual and profound information to me but I will do as she asks :)

This reminds me of her in my dream.  Playful and happy, yet elusive and going somewhere unknown to me but known to her.  This was taken of her skipping through the streets of London, England.

I have been told a few times by people who have lost loved ones that they had received messages from their loved ones reassuring them they were ok around the one year mark.  I kept that in mind at the beginning but began to lose hope because I wasn't dreaming of Alysia for a long time.  This dream was totally unexpected and real.

It saddens me to think there are people out there who don't believe in the spiritual plane or God.  I mean those who are religious in their denial of God.(Not those who say "I just don't know".  I don't understand why people can't see how science and spirituality complement each other...oh well, each to their own.  God will be there to receive us all, believers and non-believers.  I have had my doubts, believe me, but this dream did something in my brain and my heart.  It came from Alysia who knows.  She is there; She knows.

With that, I leave this blog on the internet to help whoever needs help in their grieving of a loved one, in particular, a child. For those who stumble across this, feel free to leave a message as I will continue to receive comments. I thank everyone who has read my blog over the past year.  You all mean so much to me.

Love,

Trish

Approaching July 25th: Alysia's first "Heaven Day"

I begin writing this one year mark blog entry almost a week before the actual date.  Yesterday while at the gravesite watering Alysia's and her nanny's flowers I expressed to Katie that I have been feeling rather numb whenever I think of Alysia this week.  That numbness was scaring me on so many levels.  Was it denial kicking in? Was it my brain protecting my heart? Was I forgetting Alysia? Was this what healing feels like?  I didn't like it one bit and was causing me some anxiety all week.  I don't want numbness to mean I am healing.  I am a passionate person who feels so much.  I don't want to end up being someone completely different than who I was before Alysia passed away.  I know that I will "never be the same" but I don't want to be numb.I still want that passionate side of me to remain.

As soon as I shared that with Katie at the gravesite, I cried and cried and spoke to Alysia aloud, still wishing I could hold her close to me.  When I say these things during these moments of crying/mourning I find myself surprised that after "so much" time I still desire to be able to hold her.  It surprises me that my brain still can't wrap itself around the idea that I will never be able to hold her again, on this plane at least. I constantly analyze all of my feelings and how they relate to Alysia's death.

In moments of happiness I ask: What is making me happy despite my grief? How long has this happiness been lasting? Is this moment of happiness happening more often? Is it lasting longer? Have I made a mental note of what is causing me to be happy so I can go back to that in times of sadness? And yes I still feel a tinge of guilt when I realize I've been having a happy moment.

In moments of sadness, I tend to question it less because it's more obvious but I do ask: How long since I've had a crying spell like this? Are they becoming less frequent?  Is this moment feeling less intense?

In numbness I ask the questions I mentioned above.

In anger, I ask: Am I really angry at what is happening right now (unrelated to Alysia's death) or am I just angry with my grief, my losses?

In anxiety I ask: Why am I afraid? How does this anxiety relate to my "grief anxiety" (as I call it). Is it the same or is it different?

My brain never rests but I feel this is what is helping me heal.  How can a person heal if they don't know what is causing the dis-ease?  How can a person treat the dis-ease if they don't know what makes it better.  Conscious awareness of all thoughts and emotions is vital despite it being exhausting and annoying at times.

The other day, I put my hand on a co-worker's belly.  She is pregnant and has a beautiful baby bump.  I asked if I could touch her belly.  At that very moment a flood of emotions hit me but I did not show it.  First I felt very sad, then I felt very guilty for feeling sad.  This wasn't about me, it was about her joy and excitement.  Then I felt very afraid.  The fear stuck with me for a long time.  I felt I may have "cursed" her baby somehow.  That because I lost my child, that by touching her belly, I may have passed on my shitty luck onto her.  I struggled with this for a long time.  I know it is absurd but I don't know if I will touch her baby bump again, just to be sure.

These are the emotions that run through a grieving mother's mind.  These are the rational and irrational thoughts. They linger a long time.  It's been almost a year and my brain still struggles with it all.

Since my last blog post, good things have happened.  We bought a place and have moved into it a few weeks ago.  It's not fancy, it's not big but it's home.  It is surrounded by good neighbors, surrounded by trees and birds and squirrels and chipmunks.  I'm living with my love in a home we love.  Katie's parents came for a few day visit from Ontario and I finally got to meet them! We adopted a cat who we've named Dobby. She is a bit feral but is slowly coming around. She is our baby.  Physically she reminds us so much of Terra but she is not like Terra at all. She is her own cute self and we are blessed to have her in our lives. We love our jobs and are grateful for not just the job itself but for the people we work with and the little perks we get through our jobs.

Our baby, Dobby (our house elf) who's personality is much like Dobby from Harry Potter :)

Today I received a nice homemade card from two coworkers/friends showing they were thinking of me at this one year mark coming up.  They gave me a gift certificate to one of our favorite restaurants.  I said to Katie when I told her about the card and gift that I feel as though, despite my unimaginable loss and other losses throughout my life, I feel so blessed for the life I have because of the friends and family in our lives and the jobs we have.  It is as if my heart still has a hole in it but grows(my heart) with feelings of love and gratitude. Is this the new me?  This I am willing to accept. I know the hole, that is Alysia's absence, will never disappear but if my heart can continue to grow with love and gratitude, this will bring me peace... with a hole in it.

Although our new home has no memories of Alysia attached with it, I have created a sacred space outside in the yard that invokes her presence some how.  I love this little space with the garden gnome from my soul sister Suzy, a crystal that Alysia owned and a fern that I have had for a long time ( I dug it out of our garden in Fairview when we moved and have dragged it with us, every move, ever since. I plan to put it in the ground at this home) and feathers I keep finding. This space feels like Alysia even though there is no picture of her and nothing of hers other than the crystal.  I have managed to bring her energy into our new space and this makes me very happy.  I don't know what I will do in the winter when it's all covered in snow but I'll come up with something I'm sure.

After seeing how long this blog entry is, I will blog again next week about the one year mark.

Progress?

I don't watch the news, I haven't really since Alysia was born.  When she was a baby, I would get upset at the state of the world and would worry what kind of world she was going to have to grow up in. I decided that the news was keeping me up at night with worry.  It was informing me but making me feel powerless to the evils of this world.  So I just decided one day to not watch it or read about it and just be worried about what affected me, my family and my friends directly.  I've functioned 20 years this way.  The important news gets to me eventually.

Yesterday, at the end of a TV show we were watching, the news came on and sure enough it was about that evil, vile person in Montreal mailing body parts to political parties.  I could have walked away but this story was so evil and was a Canadian story, so I got sucked in by the voice of the newscaster. The news began to show this guy's video he posted in "the dark corners of the internet" as they described, of him torturing and killing kittens.  How is it that these "dark corners of the internet" exist??  How is it that he can post a video of such nature and now also posted a video of the murder and dismemberment of a human being?  Why is it that no one contacted the authorities about these videos? I guess the people who lurk in these dark corners are just as sick as the person who posts these types of things.

After I watched this news story, then came the story about the random shootings out in B.C. and then the random shootings in the States and then the massacre in Syria.  I went to bed crying for the state of this world, just like I used to do when Alysia was a new born.  I said to Alysia in my heart, "no wonder you left this world, it's an ugly place."


Katie and I bought a home and we are starting to pack to move.  While I am excited to get to our new place I am torn with leaving this mouse infested, leaky, freezing cold, noisy apartment.  it was the last place Alysia was with me in.  The new home will not have memories of Alysia's physical presence at all, this saddens me so much.  This move is exciting and happy also an emotional effort and sad. While packing the other day I went through several boxes of Alysia's memorabilia since she was a newborn. I saved a few special baby outfits, there were some pictures she drew, cards she made, hand print molds, school work, report cards, graduation pictures.  My grief flooded over me again.  It was as if I was at the beginning of my grieving all over again.

The apartment is looking disheveled and that makes me feel fearful, sad, and insecure. So with these emotions I watched the news last night and it was too much for me.  I have wanted to disconnect from the world for most of my life because I could see it going the wrong direction since I was young.  I always wanted to live off the grid on a small farm and just have my family and friends but here I am in downtown Halifax, in the Ghetto of Halifax really, with a car, two lap tops, an ipad, two iphones, tv, cable, internet, facebook, emails, a blog.  My life is an open book.  I opened that book I realize, but now maybe it's time to close it up. It has been an ongoing process lately to eliminate the negative out of my life and I feel I am reaching another level of negative that must go.

Alysia just before she passed away, removed most of her facebook friends from her account.  She was feeling overwhelmed by the drama and drivel. I was concerned when she did that because to me it was a sign of depression and maybe it was but I can certainly understand why she was so depressed.  This world is so hard to live in.  The rising cost of everything you need just to survive, the bombardment of information, the feeling of powerlessness, the greed and corruption that is prevalent now, the destruction of God's creation...no wonder she left.  No wonder she tried to shut out the noise.  I think I might just do the same.

  What has kept me on facebook the past 10 months is my blog but I figure people can sign up for my blog  and keep reading about my journey. I don't know how much more I am going to write on it. It could just be a bad week but don't be surprised if I drop off your friends list for a while or forever, or maybe I won't. I just want, and so desperately need, to see the beauty of this world again and the electronic world isn't doing that for me.  The only place I see beauty in this world now is when I am with Katie, my friends, what's left of my family and nature.  TV doesn't do it. The internet doesn't do it, Facebook rarely does it.

I want to go into our new home and live a simpler life.  A life closer to nature, closer to Katie, closer to the friends and family in my life. I'm not asking for much... just some breathing space so I can breathe in through the grief and breathe out the sorrow and pain.A space where my heart can expand, my eyes clear up from the crap they've been seeing for 40 some years and my ears to unplug to hear beautiful music and poetry and conversation, and my brain to stop the pattern of constant self criticizing. These to me are progress. Real evolutionary progress.  When a person finds peace, when the world finds peace, that is real progress.



Peace,

Trish

Mother's Day and the return of the gold thread

Flowers that Josh sent me for Mother's Day

"Although children leave us, we are always mothers"

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I woke up around 6:30 am and the first thing I did was check my Facebook page to see...what?  I don't know what I expected to see but the fact that I did not see a post from Alysia hurt like hell.  I checked my phone for texts...to see what? I don't know but I sure didn't get a text from Alysia for mother's day.  No phone calls...nothing. I cried. I cried some more and I cried all day off and on. The day before Katie and I had gone to Alysia's grave and laid flowers that my mother had sent me for Mother's day.  I wanted to put them on her grave as it was from one generation of mother to the next to the end of the line in the form of my daughter's grave. Motherhood ended with me on our side of the family.

When I checked Facebook throughout the day yesterday I saw many posts about how great of a mother's day everyone was having and I became more and more sad.  I realize that people should enjoy their day with their children but those posts were like stabs in the heart. I felt forgotten and I thought of Katie's friend in Ontario who just recently lost his mom and how he was on the other end of that huge void. I pictured him sitting there looking at the posts on facebook and wondering if he felt as sad and bitter as me.

 I didn't think I would react as emotionally as I did to Mother's day considering when Alysia was young she would wish me a Happy Mother's Day and would apologize because she didn't buy me a gift. I would reply "it's ok, it's just another day created by Hallmark and it's enough for you to just wish me a Happy Mother's Day." Now that she's gone, it's not just a Hallmark- made occasion for me, it's the day I should have heard from just one person and I didn't. The day that confirms my identity as a mother still and I got very few acknowledgements of that. At one point yesterday, I had a proud mother moment when I thought about the fact that I was a mother to an angel now. An angel!  wow, that is pretty amazing.  That was short lived though and the void of her absence took over me.

Throughout the day yesterday in my sadness I would look at the flowers Josh sent me and a surge of love came over me for him, it made my day a little bit better.  The card on my mother's flowers, quoted above, began to melt away a cold spot in my heart. Yet my heart ached so much yesterday.  This morning I woke up crying again.  I wasn't able to go to work.  I felt so alone and I sat in bed after Katie left for work and cried so hard. Suddenly the journal I write in to Alysia fell over on the bedside table and I picked it up and began to write in it.  I have 1 1/2 pages left in it after what I wrote today.  I don't know if I should continue writing after I'm done this one or what will that last page and a half contain?  How will I end it?  If I do get another journal I feel like it has to be similar to the one I've been writing in.  It came from the cathedral in Washington, a very special place in my heart.  I found it odd that the journal fell over and snapped me out of my crying.  For a a few minutes I read the entries in my journal. A journal entry  that was a week or so after Alysia's funeral, I wrote "I am glad I was able to cry because I am afraid that after crying so much I would have no more tears to shed".  It's almost 10 months later and let me say that there has been no shortage of tears.

I decided to write a blog post today while I was off work so that I could get it all out. I set up my laptop on the kitchen table in front of Josh's flowers and out of the corner of my eye I caught a sparkling light in his flowers.  I take a closer look and saw a bit of gold on a flower bud. So I got up and took a real close look and lo and behold there is a very fine thread of gold filament thread that is laying amongst the foliage of his flowers!  I took a picture of it and I apologize for my crappy Iphone 3G camera (the original Iphone) but here it is.

It's blurry but you can see the gold filament thread running randomly through the flowers.

I knew, it was Alysia's way to say Happy Mother's Day through Josh's flowers and now they brighten my day even more. To get an understanding of the significance of the gold thread see my post http://sheisfreerthanabird.blogspot.ca/2012/03/golden-thread-and-power-of-creativity.html

Yesterday I couldn't do this because I was too hurt, but today I'd like to wish every mother out there a Happy Belated Mother's Day because you deserve the recognition.  I would like to wish those who aren't mothers to people, but to furry creatures, a Happy Mother to a furry creature Day too.  I would like to wish those of us who lost a child a Happy Mother to an Angel Day and finally to those children who lost a mother I'd like to wish them a Happy Angel Mother Day.

xo

Trish

Nobody panic...I'm just having a panic attack.

It is 8 1/2 months since Alysia passed away and dusk time still unsettles me. Since I have been getting really tired of this dusk anxiety I mentioned it to Katie again and we were trying to figure out why this was happening.  Why wouldn't it be 6am when we heard the doorbell ring on July 25th, to open the door to two policemen, about to tell me Alysia died?  Why not 6am?  What does dusk have to do with any of this story?  Why such anxiety?  The only thing I could come up with was, the day before I was going about my life just fine, I was happy, at dusk I was settling down for another evening of relaxation and had no real worries, except that I had to get to bed by a certain time because I had to work the next day.  Life was good, life was simple. Yet the next morning my life was completely shaken, life was not good...in fact life was bad.  So I wonder if my dusk anxiety comes from me not trusting that naivety anymore.  It's like "yeah today was a good day or a decent day or whatever but what will tomorrow bring?"  Dusk is the time I wind down for the day, I have time to think.  At 6am I am sleeping and shortly thereafter I am too busy getting ready for work.

I felt that if my worst anxiety is my "dusk anxiety" then I'm doing pretty good.  I can get through this and I'm banking on the fact that knowing the reason will help me conquer it sooner rather than later. However...Suddenly, out of the blue, I am getting severe panic attacks.  It started when we found out Terra was dying due to cancer.  The emotions of grieving were brought back to the surface. When we brought her to the vet to be put to sleep I was extremely traumatized .  We were in the room with her and we watched her die.  The overwhelming grief and guilt took over me immediately.

Somehow the grief, shock and trauma of Terra lessened the grieving of Alysia and that too shocked me and made me feel guilty.  I realized that my whole life does not revolve around my grief for Alysia, there are other things in my life that need attention, bad...and good things.  As time went by...a few days, the grief lessened. I came to terms that we did the right thing for Terra and she wasn't suffering anymore.  The realization that my grief for Alysia was overshadowed by some traumatic events made me feel like I understood a very important lessen...life moves on.  Bad things happen but so can good things and it is ok for me to move on with life.

So I'm feeling pretty good about this insight but flashes of Terra being put to sleep would creep into my mind and visions of Alysia in the coffin wouldn't be far behind but I acknowledged them and moved on...or so I thought.  I was having lunch at work and suddenly I felt light headed and couldn't breathe, I remembered this feeling, I've had anxiety attacks before, mostly in my 20's but throughout the years as well and so I remembered how to talk myself out of it. "Just breathe...it's an anxiety attack...you're ok..." and that normally stops them, but not that time.  My technique wasn't working.  It kept escalating in my mind until it got to the point I had to run out of the lunch room to get fresh air and calm myself down.  We weren't talking about anything that triggered it, it just came on.

Then yesterday Katie and I went for a walk, a few minutes into it I began to lose my vision and I knew I was getting a migraine.  We had to cut the walk short and go back to the car.  In the car, half my vision gone, I began to also get a panic attack.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't tell reality from dream, my heart was pounding out of my chest, I couldn't see and I was nauseous.  Katie pulled into a Needs store to get me something to drink and as soon as she left the car the panic escalated to the point where I was convinced it was my last few moments on this earth.  I was sure she would come back to the car and find me dead or unconscious at best. I kept saying to myself "you're ok, you're ok, just breathe, just breathe" but the more I tried to breathe the dizzier I became and the closer to passing out...or dying (in my mind) I was getting.

It took all I had to keep it together in there.  My vision normally returns after 20 minutes or so with a migraine but it wasn't coming back.  We drove home and by the time we pulled up in front of the apartment my hands were numb, I felt like my body was slowly shutting down.  Katie guides me to inside and once inside I felt as though I was in a dream.  I could hear her talking to me, trying to talk me through it but she seemed so far away which made me panic more.  I eventually burst into tears from the fear and said "I MISS ALYSIA SO MUCH! I MISS TERRA SO MUCH!"  All the losses caught up to me these past couple of weeks in a physical way.

 It's just been too much hurt lately and my body is crapping out on me.  I am physically exhausted and have been for quite a while. My exhaustion is to the point that I have dreams that I lay down on the ground or in the middle of the street and just sleep from exhaustion.  I dream about sleeping in my sleep, as if by doing that I am doubling the healing power of sleep.

Somehow though I found some fuel to run on but now the engine is running out of fuel and things are sputtering in the form of migraines, stomach issues and panic attacks.  I have to have good things happen to refuel.  I have to CREATE good things to refuel myself.  I can't keep going this way, pushing myself through the sadness and hurt without refueling. I have to remember my realization that life goes on good or bad despite my grief, I have to choose the good. I deserve the good. I need the good. It might just be migraines, stomach problems and panic attacks now but if I don't get my life back to a steady happy joyful place it can manifest in much worse physical illnesses.

There is a fine line between suppressing emotions of grief and allowing them to run your life.  I want to learn to find joy without putting so much pressure on myself to do so. The biggest lessen for me is truly believing I deserve good things, good feelings, happiness and love. Yet I know I am getting there, I now see myself say no to situations or people that cause me stress or grief.  I see myself sifting through what brings me joy and what doesn't. I see myself being much more careful what thoughts I allow in my head or what words escape my mouth or hands when I type.  I see myself close off to the negativity outside of me and in me.

  It is sometimes a slow process, an imperfect process or even a painful process but it's a process bringing me closer to what I know my life should be.  A life where I truly understand that nothing of this world is permanent.  I could get depressed and not get too attached to anything or anyone and decide not to love (which believe me the thought has crossed my mind a few times) OR I could just love with such abandon because I know that our experience here is temporary but the love is permanent. Either way, we leave without the physical so in choosing to love, I can at least bring that with me to the other side.

In memory of Terra, our beautiful furry friend.

September 1997-March 29, 2012

A little something I wrote...

Little Kitty

Turn around little kitty so you see me waving at you.

I know they are back there crying over your little body.

You feel their longing for your presence and see their tears of deep grief.

Don’t be sad little kitty you can always see them

They won’t always be crying.

Please little kitty, turn to me and you will see you know me too.

Don’t linger in their sadness for they will never recover,

 if they sense you have not moved on.

I know you want to comfort them little kitty, I do too. 

I know you love them so much little kitty, as I do.

Turn to me little kitty for I love you too and together we will love them from here.

Please little kitty just turn your gaze towards me and all will be well, I promise you.

That’s right, turn, turn your gaze my direction. Yes little kitty, do you see me now?

Yes! Little kitty, it’s me!

I see your recognition, I don’t look the same but neither do you my sweet little kitty.

That’s it! Run! Run to me.  My sweet little angel, I love you so.

We will wait and love them, we will play in the heavens, we will smell new types of flowers and hear new types of music.

We will marvel at God’s creations we never saw before.

We will do this together.

And when the time comes, we will be there to greet them when they come home to God.

We will always be together. We always are together, they just don’t remember, but they will.

Look little kitty, they are smiling when they think of us, the tears are beginning to dry up.

Let’s go walk through the fields of heaven while they enjoy a moment of peace.

You see? We can watch them in these heavenly clouds, we can send them love through beams of God’s light.

 Sometimes they will know we are there and sometimes they won’t but don’t be disheartened little kitty, just like us, they will know for sure one day.

Oh little angel! You will soon realize you are not a kitty anymore and will stop batting at these heavenly bejeweled butterflies glinting in the love of God.