We used to nickname her pumpkin when she was younger

Thursday, May 31, 2012


I don't watch the news, I haven't really since Alysia was born.  When she was a baby, I would get upset at the state of the world and would worry what kind of world she was going to have to grow up in. I decided that the news was keeping me up at night with worry.  It was informing me but making me feel powerless to the evils of this world.  So I just decided one day to not watch it or read about it and just be worried about what affected me, my family and my friends directly.  I've functioned 20 years this way.  The important news gets to me eventually.

Yesterday, at the end of a TV show we were watching, the news came on and sure enough it was about that evil, vile person in Montreal mailing body parts to political parties.  I could have walked away but this story was so evil and was a Canadian story, so I got sucked in by the voice of the newscaster. The news began to show this guy's video he posted in "the dark corners of the internet" as they described, of him torturing and killing kittens.  How is it that these "dark corners of the internet" exist??  How is it that he can post a video of such nature and now also posted a video of the murder and dismemberment of a human being?  Why is it that no one contacted the authorities about these videos? I guess the people who lurk in these dark corners are just as sick as the person who posts these types of things.

After I watched this news story, then came the story about the random shootings out in B.C. and then the random shootings in the States and then the massacre in Syria.  I went to bed crying for the state of this world, just like I used to do when Alysia was a new born.  I said to Alysia in my heart, "no wonder you left this world, it's an ugly place."

Katie and I bought a home and we are starting to pack to move.  While I am excited to get to our new place I am torn with leaving this mouse infested, leaky, freezing cold, noisy apartment.  it was the last place Alysia was with me in.  The new home will not have memories of Alysia's physical presence at all, this saddens me so much.  This move is exciting and happy also an emotional effort and sad. While packing the other day I went through several boxes of Alysia's memorabilia since she was a newborn. I saved a few special baby outfits, there were some pictures she drew, cards she made, hand print molds, school work, report cards, graduation pictures.  My grief flooded over me again.  It was as if I was at the beginning of my grieving all over again.

The apartment is looking disheveled and that makes me feel fearful, sad, and insecure. So with these emotions I watched the news last night and it was too much for me.  I have wanted to disconnect from the world for most of my life because I could see it going the wrong direction since I was young.  I always wanted to live off the grid on a small farm and just have my family and friends but here I am in downtown Halifax, in the Ghetto of Halifax really, with a car, two lap tops, an ipad, two iphones, tv, cable, internet, facebook, emails, a blog.  My life is an open book.  I opened that book I realize, but now maybe it's time to close it up. It has been an ongoing process lately to eliminate the negative out of my life and I feel I am reaching another level of negative that must go.

Alysia just before she passed away, removed most of her facebook friends from her account.  She was feeling overwhelmed by the drama and drivel. I was concerned when she did that because to me it was a sign of depression and maybe it was but I can certainly understand why she was so depressed.  This world is so hard to live in.  The rising cost of everything you need just to survive, the bombardment of information, the feeling of powerlessness, the greed and corruption that is prevalent now, the destruction of God's wonder she left.  No wonder she tried to shut out the noise.  I think I might just do the same.

  What has kept me on facebook the past 10 months is my blog but I figure people can sign up for my blog  and keep reading about my journey. I don't know how much more I am going to write on it. It could just be a bad week but don't be surprised if I drop off your friends list for a while or forever, or maybe I won't. I just want, and so desperately need, to see the beauty of this world again and the electronic world isn't doing that for me.  The only place I see beauty in this world now is when I am with Katie, my friends, what's left of my family and nature.  TV doesn't do it. The internet doesn't do it, Facebook rarely does it.

I want to go into our new home and live a simpler life.  A life closer to nature, closer to Katie, closer to the friends and family in my life. I'm not asking for much... just some breathing space so I can breathe in through the grief and breathe out the sorrow and pain.A space where my heart can expand, my eyes clear up from the crap they've been seeing for 40 some years and my ears to unplug to hear beautiful music and poetry and conversation, and my brain to stop the pattern of constant self criticizing. These to me are progress. Real evolutionary progress.  When a person finds peace, when the world finds peace, that is real progress.



1 comment:

  1. I truly hope you find peace very very soon Trish!

    Big hugs to you!


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