|Flowers that Josh sent me for Mother's Day|
"Although children leave us, we are always mothers"
Yesterday was Mother's Day and I woke up around 6:30 am and the first thing I did was check my Facebook page to see...what? I don't know what I expected to see but the fact that I did not see a post from Alysia hurt like hell. I checked my phone for texts...to see what? I don't know but I sure didn't get a text from Alysia for mother's day. No phone calls...nothing. I cried. I cried some more and I cried all day off and on. The day before Katie and I had gone to Alysia's grave and laid flowers that my mother had sent me for Mother's day. I wanted to put them on her grave as it was from one generation of mother to the next to the end of the line in the form of my daughter's grave. Motherhood ended with me on our side of the family.
When I checked Facebook throughout the day yesterday I saw many posts about how great of a mother's day everyone was having and I became more and more sad. I realize that people should enjoy their day with their children but those posts were like stabs in the heart. I felt forgotten and I thought of Katie's friend in Ontario who just recently lost his mom and how he was on the other end of that huge void. I pictured him sitting there looking at the posts on facebook and wondering if he felt as sad and bitter as me.
I didn't think I would react as emotionally as I did to Mother's day considering when Alysia was young she would wish me a Happy Mother's Day and would apologize because she didn't buy me a gift. I would reply "it's ok, it's just another day created by Hallmark and it's enough for you to just wish me a Happy Mother's Day." Now that she's gone, it's not just a Hallmark- made occasion for me, it's the day I should have heard from just one person and I didn't. The day that confirms my identity as a mother still and I got very few acknowledgements of that. At one point yesterday, I had a proud mother moment when I thought about the fact that I was a mother to an angel now. An angel! wow, that is pretty amazing. That was short lived though and the void of her absence took over me.
Throughout the day yesterday in my sadness I would look at the flowers Josh sent me and a surge of love came over me for him, it made my day a little bit better. The card on my mother's flowers, quoted above, began to melt away a cold spot in my heart. Yet my heart ached so much yesterday. This morning I woke up crying again. I wasn't able to go to work. I felt so alone and I sat in bed after Katie left for work and cried so hard. Suddenly the journal I write in to Alysia fell over on the bedside table and I picked it up and began to write in it. I have 1 1/2 pages left in it after what I wrote today. I don't know if I should continue writing after I'm done this one or what will that last page and a half contain? How will I end it? If I do get another journal I feel like it has to be similar to the one I've been writing in. It came from the cathedral in Washington, a very special place in my heart. I found it odd that the journal fell over and snapped me out of my crying. For a a few minutes I read the entries in my journal. A journal entry that was a week or so after Alysia's funeral, I wrote "I am glad I was able to cry because I am afraid that after crying so much I would have no more tears to shed". It's almost 10 months later and let me say that there has been no shortage of tears.
I decided to write a blog post today while I was off work so that I could get it all out. I set up my laptop on the kitchen table in front of Josh's flowers and out of the corner of my eye I caught a sparkling light in his flowers. I take a closer look and saw a bit of gold on a flower bud. So I got up and took a real close look and lo and behold there is a very fine thread of gold filament thread that is laying amongst the foliage of his flowers! I took a picture of it and I apologize for my crappy Iphone 3G camera (the original Iphone) but here it is.
|It's blurry but you can see the gold filament thread running randomly through the flowers.|
Yesterday I couldn't do this because I was too hurt, but today I'd like to wish every mother out there a Happy Belated Mother's Day because you deserve the recognition. I would like to wish those who aren't mothers to people, but to furry creatures, a Happy Mother to a furry creature Day too. I would like to wish those of us who lost a child a Happy Mother to an Angel Day and finally to those children who lost a mother I'd like to wish them a Happy Angel Mother Day.