We used to nickname her pumpkin when she was younger

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


We had beautiful weather the day of the funeral. The day after the funeral it rained. The image in my head of the rain falling hard on the soft dirt of her grave, played over and over again. I'd stand in front of the big windows of the apartment and watch the rain fall. The loneliness of that image in my mind caused me to momentarily stop breathing. No one would be standing by her grave in that dreary wet weather to talk to her and I was so sad. I wasn't there to shelter her from the rain and wind and my motherly instinct was not understanding why I wasn't taking action. I knew she wasn't her body anymore. Knowings from the mind are completely different than knowings from the heart and soul. My heart and my mother-body wasn't knowing yet she wasn't her body anymore.

Most people who attended the funeral had dissipated back to their lives. It was quiet in my space while strangers walked in front of the apartment windows not knowing I was standing there grieving the loss of my only child. They were texting, running from the rain, doing drug deals whatever...their lives were still going, the earth was still turning, the numbers on the clock kept changing. Yet the time in my world had stood still, I was feeling in dead center of the universe as everything moved around me but I stood still.Why were these strangers still living and my daughter wasn't?  It didn't seem fair when I'd see the drug dealers walk by.  How is it they get to stay here but I don't have my daughter anymore? It made me mad but I didn't have the emotional strength to show it. I felt such defeat, I couldn't fight the world anymore.  I was done with it.

Watching the rain, was that God crying, I wondered? No, that was mother nature nourishing her child, the earth. I couldn't physically do that anymore. There will be no more suppers at our place with Alysia.It was unfair.

The weather affects me at the best of times.  It rains and is dreary a lot here.  I guess I was lucky in some weird way that she passed away at the best time of year as we have had good weather for the most part since and that has helped in my healing process. It allowed me to go to the park every day on my lunch hours and be with nature and take a breath.  I worry for the upcoming dreary months that can last right up until the end of June. I hope it won't be as bad as I think it will be for me.

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